Butterfly Kisses

[ NOTE: This post was supposed to be published slightly after Father's Day (18 June 2013)... Updates were since added on ]

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It is a well known fact among those who know me that I love and miss my late Father very much. And it shouldn't come as a surprise why I'm writing a post for Father's Day (albeit it being a few days late).

The photo that inspired this post. Here's the facebook version

The photo above (right) was taken on my way to a school visit on the 11th of June. It reminded me of my archived photo on the left and how different the sky looked. Although both photos showed a different scenario, I realised that there is a constant in my life. God.

As I was driving along this stretch the radio station played the song Butterfly Kisses by Bob Carlisle. I've always loved this song and always tear up when it reaches this part:

"Gave me butterfly kisses, with her mama there,
Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair,
"Walk me down the aisle, Daddy-it's just about time."
"Does my wedding gown look pretty, Daddy? Daddy, don't cry"
Oh, with all that I've done wrong I must have done something right. 

To deserve her love every morning and butterfly kisses
I couldn't ask God for more, man this is what love is.
I know I gotta let her go, but I'll always remember
Every hug in the morning and butterfly kisses...

From previous post like this you'll understand why I tear up. However, listening to this song and thinking of Father's Day got me asking; "Will Daddy be proud of me of where I am today?"

At that point I stopped my thoughts and asked myself a much harder question:

"Will  I  be proud of where I am today?"

Asking that got me to really reflect on what I've done in the past 1 1/2 years living in KL, after moving away from my comfort zone of home, family and friends.

As I continued driving, I tried answering THE looming question over my head...

And after the long journey ended, I realised that I actually had an answer (yay!) and here's it is: -

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Ever since this post where I decided to let go of my biggest dream, I updated in another post how that was the best decision for me then. This sentiment stands true till today. Why?

#1: Dream of Travelling beyond the borders of Malaysia.

Because I took that bold step of letting go, many other dreams that I've forgotten begun to surface again and one by one came true. In January of this year, I went to New Zealand (pictures) a country I've dreamt of going for many many many years. In February, I had the chance to attend a Teach for All Synergies conference in New Delhi, India and see the b-e-a-utiful Taj Mahal upclose; and in March, I went on a fun, fun trip to Phuket, Thailand and just relaxed at the beach.

This photo ended up looking so nice. I'm happy. On top of Mt. Victoria, Auckland with such a stunning view.

Ah, the Taj Mahal. A symbol of love. Need I say more? :)

I'm not a professional photographer but with my little point-n-shoot camera, I love creating memories. :)

#2: Personal Goals

In the beginning of the year, my Head of Training made us list down our goals for the year. I never really took things like this seriously but this year I thought, why not? And so I did. And these were the goals I chose.

i) Join a dance/music class

Recently I've joined a Capoeira class which was introduced to me by my CEO and another TFM colleague. I didn't really fancy it at first but a few weeks back I won a lucky draw during a pot luck event and had no choice but to go. 

And after the first class, I was HOOKED. I loved it! It had music AND dance elements in it. Brilliant! 

Personal Goal #1: CHECKED!

Because I came back the next day to work talking about it, the next class a few other TFMers decided to join me. So fun! (Photos are Dzameer's)

Before Class: All pumped up!

After class: Defeated with blisters...

 ii) Visit rural schools in East Malaysia on my trips back (one Sarawak, one Sabah)

This one I knew going in was going to be a tough one. And even now, I don't think I'm able to do the Sabah trip due to time constraints at work. However, thanks to Jarod Yong (teacher extrodinaire) the Sarawak trip was a success!! Just 3 weeks ago I had the chance to achieve this goal and live the dream of teaching in a rural area.

Take a look at Jarod's write-up (pictures, my  response)on the amazing 4 days my team and I had at SMK Katibas. Terima Kasih, Cikgu!

So for 2013 to the best of my ability, I would have to say: 

Personal Goal #2: CHECKED! (Will still try work on Sabah rural school)

The moment where everything is centred and all feels right is when I'm doing what I love. Besides dancing and music, teaching is what I love; and this photo sums it all.

iii) Learn to love myself more

As tough as #2 was I knew choosing to go with #3 as a personal goal was tougher. So many of my insecurities that I grew up with I knew I have yet to face. And by choosing this, I knew I had to muster the courage to face them; to which I did, but gradually. 

A breakthrough happen in March when I finally realised that I AM beautiful despite all the horrible statements I've heard growing up and how I will never measure up.

Consciously thinking of how I can continue loving myself more, I decided to splurge on pampering myself a little. One of which was to dye my hair signalling a new beginning.

One of my favourite photos showing my newly dyed hair (of course because mom's in it too) :).

Another initiative I'm taking is to consciously eat healthy. This has been going on for the past 3 months and results are showing! One of my side goals folded in this goal was achieved last week! [Disclaimer: I'm not doing this to lose weight; rather, I'm doing this because I want to love my body and treat it as it deserves]

Side goal achieved! And YES. I'm telling the world! Have had this dress since last year and told myself that I will one day be able to wear it.

 Finally, 2 days ago I had another breakthrough but for this, I'm choosing to keep it silent for now till I'm ready to tell, but it's created so much freedom within me that I just want to stand on a mountain top and scream Hallelujah!

 Reflecting on all the above, I'd say  

Personal Goal #3: HALF-CHECKED. There is still half a year left for me to continue learning to love myself more! And I look forward to seeing how much more I'll grow from this journey :)

#3: Professional Goal

One of my Professional Goal states: "To Lead sessions (minimum 3) throughout the year (Sessions beyond Super Saturday) to push me"

This is my updated list:

• Fab Friday: Global Teaching Summit 2013 (India) - done for TFM staff [April]
• Fab Friday (Twin Edition): Diversity, Community and Achievement (DCA) - done for TFM staff [June]
• How to learn Biology the Fun Way - SMK Seri Setia (formerly known as SMK Bandar Kuching No.2) [June]
• The Teresian Legacy by Teach for Malaysia - SMK St Teresa [July]
• PMR Motivation Session: Multiple Intelligence - SMK Katibas [July]
• SPM Motivation Session: My Life So Far - SMK Katibas [July]

God has been amazing in opening so many doors for me to grow in this area. Looking at this list, I'm proud that I've achieved this goal but I know I shouldn't stop there. Making new sessions has always helped me improve and I plan to continue doing so.

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Regressing back to my thought in the car; "Will I be proud of where I am today?"

I smile, and I say: YES.

Just being able to say that to myself and now choosing to declare it publicly is another point in life I am proud of. My Personal Goal #3's list will keep growing and I'm honestly excited.

I realise now how much my insecurities have held me back so many times and this time I'm making my stand to say: ENOUGH.

I am proud of myself and will keep reminding myself through posts like this of who I am. As for Daddy, I can only imagine that my he will be proud of me just like how Bob Carlisle sings of how proud he is of his daughter.

So, here's to many more Butterfly Kisses moments in life. I'll end this post with the words I wrote to accompany the photo (top) that inspired this post:

June 17, 2013.
Here is a stretch of road that I usually take to visit my school in N.9. 

This time round, I remembered a photo I took on September 7th last year. The skies were blue and reminded me of God's promises in my life. 

This time round, the skies were a far cry from the clear blue sky that it was in my last photo. Rain threatened to fall and gloom hovered above my car. 

YET... 

This time round, I realise that it's been almost 1 1/2 years since I embarked on this journey and God is still faithful. That through clear skies and dark skies God has been my refuge. 

Thank you LORD for your faithfulness in my life. 

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." -Deuteronomy 31:8 -

Ciao.

p.s.: To those who are on the journey to discovering yourself, let's toast to life!

p.p.s.: Happy Father's Day, daddy. I miss you. :')


[ NOTE: Reason for the delay of this post was the need to get over my internal debate of whether it was worth it. I realised that I needed to because this story of triumph will help others who are going through the same journey. So here it is! God Bless!]

5 years since...

Photo sourced from here

15 April 2008.

The day I could not be Daddy's Little Girl anymore...

I miss you very much daddy. :') Very very much...

Photo sourced from here

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The years looking after daddy were some of the most trying years as all of us had to juggle that and either school, work or studies.. Time pretty much stopped where we couldn't go far beyond the boundaries of Kuching and me being the one that pushed it the furthest with short trips to KL/Penang.

Yet, when I look back at those times, I only remember Joy and Love. Never once did bitterness creep into my memories and I believe it was then that my family were the closest with each other. :')

Asking myself, if I could turn back time, would I change a thing (and if I had the power to heal sickness as well). My answer would come quickly with a "NO".

Why?

Because, it was those trying times that pushed me to GROW. It was those trying times that pushed me to LOVE; and it was those trying times that pushed me to LIVE.

There is nothing else to do but to thank God above for the wonderful memories that He has allowed me to create with my awesome daddy. Thank you Heavenly Father for your love that enveloped my family in those hard times. It was because of Your Love that we were able to love each other.

I'll end this post with part of the lyrics from the song "It is well"...

But Lord, 'tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul.

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This section is  tribute to daddy and to show a glimpse of the man that he was. My Hero. :)

1) A post on the Malay Mail's article.

2) Even when he fell sick, dad would faithfully go to church and encouraged the whole family to do the same.

3) A write up about the Borneo Post publication on my father's story (written when he was much younger and very healthy - trying to source the original story from a friend now)

4) Proof of my dad's achievement :) (scroll down to Javelin section).

5) From the perspective of an outsider who unexpectedly becomes a friend. Thank you Larry!

6) The article written by daddy's close friend.

7) An archive of my blog remembering daddy fondly.

8) This was the sport he loved and did well in :)

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I Love You, Daddy.

Here's to Family..

Was listening to some songs in the office and somehow it triggered memories of me listening to them when I was younger. Then I got into a familiar zone of comfort, thinking of home and my family :)

I realise that I still do miss home and will always be my parent's little girl and my brother's sister. So this post is dedicated to them today.

This video was done in May by my church youth group for Mother's day. I really love this video because it uses one of my all time favourite Backstreet Boys song. (note: The very first photo is of my mum carrying me when I was a baby)

Mummy, Thank you for everything that you have done for me. I love you very much. I pray that I can mature into someone you can be proud of.

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This video is the answer to the previous video. :)

Because the Mother's day presentation was so good (apparently there were teary eyed people at the end), the youth felt that it was only appropriate to create one for the fathers too.

Dearest Daddy, It's been 4 years and yet I can still remember so well when you were around. I miss you every single day and still wish that you are around. I love you.

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As for my baby brother (who is a grown up already), thank you for being such an awesome brother. There is so much potential within you and to see you growing into that mould is something that I shamelessly brag about. You've come a long way, but you have a long way more to go! I pray that you will grow up to be like daddy; humble, loving, charismatic, sweet. But most of all, I pray that you will become a God-fearing man that leads his family well.

Here's to family.

Ciao.

p.s.: To all who are away from their families. Treasure every moment you have when you're with them.

I *heart* Kuching

July marks my 5th month away from home. *sigh*

As I was looking at the calender in June I realise that I had a free weekend mid-July so I grabbed the opportunity to go HOME! :)


Thursday (12 July)

I flew back on Thursday morning and arrived to the welcoming sight of car plate numbers with the letter "Q" in front. From there I went to visit my lovely darlings in SMK Green Road. I wasn't in time to see my students but I did get to catch the choir group practising for their competition in Phuket. (UPDATE: They achieved Bronze A category!!! Congratulations sweethearts!!)

(NOTE: Will try and upload a video of their practice...)

In the evening, I went to Serina and Albert's studio for core strength class just to help remind me how unfit I am after 5 months away.. (and yes... I REALLY AM unfit..). After class, went to see Serina for a surprise visit and a quick hug :)

Picture taken from here

Friday (13 July)

Friday was a special day. I had the privilege of attending the funeral of an aunty who passed away the week before. When I was growing up she was one of the people who in my eyes lived exemplary lives. Although her passing was a sad occasion, the fact that I was in town on the same day as her funeral made me happy because I then could say goodbye to her one last time.

"RIP Aunty Jolly. You've run the race and won; and now the Lord will call you "good, faithful servant". Will miss you dearly."


Saturday (14 July)

Saturday went by in a whim (sorry no pictures to show) as I met with so many groups from Runnat people to spending time at home (with the dogs too!!) and attending EYM (English Youth Ministry).

Dedicated to my EYMers:

Its been 5 months and I've missed each and everyone of you dearly. To miss out on your growth in Christ is a big bummer for me but I know that you are left in capable hands. Sonia is doing a great job and so is Roy. I look forward to that day where all of you blossom into wonderful men and women of God.

Sunday (15 July)

Nothing new for a Sunday morning :) Went to church and saw MANY familiar faces. It felt good to be back. From church, I went to theSpring for a lunch date with my lovely "SL" group. So nice to finally catch up with both of them and have a girly morning/noon/earlyafternoon outing :)))

The SLs : Sarah Lasung, Sharon Ling, Serina Lim having coffee after a good lunch :)

To top off the already awesome weekend, I then went for the Rainforest World Music Festival with friends (Brian, Joshua Wong, Jade, Jonathan, Sonia, Joshua Leo, Esther and Mabel).

[Top Left]: Brian, Sonia (with can), Mabel ; [Top Right]: Joshua Leo, me, Esther ; [Bottom]: Jade, Joshua Wong, Brian, Jonathan, me

The performances were at the most okay only (not THAT great) so we left early. But the best part of that trip were views like this:

View from Damai Sentral

AND this:

Damai Beach

 Sigh.. Life in Kuching really is the best. This kind of view so accessible in a short drive.


Monday (16 July)

Not much happened on Monday. It was basically just going around buying all the orders from KL :) Had breakfast with Joshua and Jonathan (and a group of his friends). Also met up with Jaime, Joanna and Dan in the afternoon and had dinner with Jaime, mum, Brian, Tanya, Adam and Rachael. :)

Jaime and Dan at Bing! Coffee (101Premier)

Tuesday (17 July)

I flew back early Tuesday morning to get some rest before I went back to work on Wednesday. While resting in the afternoon, I received a text from Jonathan that prayer meeting that night is a combined churches meeting.

I went with half my mind wishing I would skip prayer meeting just this time around.

BUT..

Making myself climb out of bed was the BEST decision ever. The prayer meeting focused on praying for each state of Malaysia and I felt so uplifted after the meeting. The intensity of my prayer for Sarawak (when the slide came up) increased many folds because I just got back from home and I could feel the Spirit of God aching for my homeland.

I was brought to tears as I prayed for Sarawak and till now I can still remember so vividly that emotion and fire running through me. So much so that 3 days later I sent out a message to all those I met up with while in Kuching of my experience:

Dearest friends,

It's already been almost 3 days since I left Kuching and my mind is still thinking of home. 

The long weekend back home was very refreshing for me and I thoroughly enjoyed myself meeting up with everyone. Thank you for all the fun get togethers and hanging out times.  You've made me fall in love with Kuching all over again.

Coming back from the trip to KL, I have a renewed sense of hope. Hope in Kuching's potential in every way. I went for combined churches prayer meeting on Tuesday and we prayed for each state in Malaysia. When the slide for Sarawak came up, many cheered and my heart soared.

Since then, everytime I think of Kuching, there is this fire and drive that burns so deeply and I realise that my love for the people of Sarawak is still so strong and want to serve them in whatever way I can. For the future, I plan to eventually go home to serve in within Sarawak itself. (However, I am open to wherever God sends me and should that be a different plan from what I have, I will go.)As of now, I will have to learn to make KL/PJ my home. I look forward to growing as an individual and learning as much as I can to better equip myself for things to come.

Do continue to pray for me as I embark on this journey and know that I do miss home very dearly! :') 

Take care all and thank you again for the awesome weekend ! 

Love, 

Sarah.

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I miss home. I really do. I left Kuching 5 months ago feeling honestly tired and a little burnt out. I needed to grow spiritually, mentally, emotionally but external (as well as certain internal) factors didn't allow me to. Coming over to where I am now has brought new insight to me and my learning curve grew exponentially. I went back home this time thoroughly enjoying myself only to find that I'm falling in love again with Kuching.

With all this feelings stirred up again, it brings new perspective into making future decisions. Where do I go long term? How can I serve the people back home best? Is this God's calling for me? Many questions that I ask myself daily but I know that in due time, God will reveal and lead me as He always had all these while. :)

(Just as I ended my message to my friends), Do pray for me as I embark on this journey.

Ciao.

p.s.: Here's to those who miss home dearly and desperately :) I understand too.

Of Hugs and Kisses, XOXO

June 30th, 2012

The most ordinary day that means the world to me. :) One of my dearest friends got married (hip hip hooray!!)

Picture from here

Its been a while since I last went to Penang. So the last weekend spent there was really something that I looked forward to in a long time. But today, I'm not going to dwell on the trip. Allow me to just take a stroll down memory lane with my lovely roommates in UNIMAS.

My dearest girlfriends,

Its been 9 years since we've known each other! Oh how time flies!

I remember that fine day when we registered for university and I was with my friends and you were with yours. Yet lots of movement here and there caused us to end up in the same line together. How amazing it is that God put it in such a way that we four were clumped together into one room.

This then was the beginning of the adventures of CD141 (a.k.a Burping Gals)

Back when we so proud of our 2megapixel cameras.. :P (1st year in Uni)

On my 20th birthday. With my gals. (2nd year in Uni)

Beginnings are always tough but after initial adjustments, we pretty much couldn't be separated. We did almost everything together. From studying (Su Yin, this is you) to tennis (all four of us) to shopping, and eating; WE WERE INSEPARABLE. Years in Univerity passed by so quickly...

I remember when we got this we were all SO PROUD of it.. haha.. and how the colours matched the background

Here's proof! We really DID graduate! :)

3rd year went by so quickly. By the time we realised university was finishing, we all graduated! Time spent together was coming to an end and the future was filled with unknowns.

Even though our journey in UNIMAS ended, we knew this was never the end of our beautiful friendship. We made a promise that we must meet at least once a year. And till now, we've been faithful to that promise :) Thank you girls.

2007 - Kuching

2008 (April) - Dad's funeral - Kuching

2008 (October 4th) - Su Yin's wedding :) - Penang

2009 we didn't meet as a group but we did meet each other at different times. However, because we missed each other so much, we met in the beginning of 2010 back in the town where we first met. KUCHING :D

2010 - Kuching

Time flew by again so quickly. October 10th, 2010 came with the official news that Grace was getting married! :D

2011 (April 23rd) - Grace's wedding :) - Kota Kinabalu

By then, Christine was going out with Mike already and things seem to go well. But before she got hitched, we needed just one more meetup (whatever excuse to meet up right?). And so we did...

2011 (December) - Year end meet :) - Kuala Lumpur

Well, the next 2 photos is dedicated to Christine's wedding. Thank you my dear for allowing me to share the experience of such a beautiful wedding. After all that planning, it turned out SO well.

2012 (June 30th) - Christine's wedding :) - Penang

Su yin wasn't in this photo. She was on a plane ride from Tokyo to KL. I want to dedicate this section to her because she pretty much cut short her sampling trip in Japan to make it for Christine's wedding. Thank you dear for your sacrifice :). Although she did not make the church service in time....

2012 (June 30th) - Christine's reception (WITH SU YIN!!) - E&O Penang

She made it for the reception!*cheer*

I recently shared this with the girls and want to share it again:

"God knew.. He knew so well that we needed each other. Even many years down the road. It was all laid for us. Such a beautiful foundation of friendship. Nothing short of Divine. :) "

I can still remember so well. That one fine day when 4 lives would cross paths and create history.

Heavenly Father, I thank you SO deeply for these 3 girls whom you've put in my lives. You knew how much I needed them and till today I'm so grateful for them. You've given me angels that love me and care for me in so many ways. Thank you again. Amen.

My sweethearts, you've reminded me over the weekend how important friendships are. What more to say friendships that has crossed over into sisterhood. You all are amazing. I love you.

XOXO.

Ciao.

p.s.: Here's to friendships that means the world to you. You need them.

p.p.s: So..gals, its the 10th year next year.. where should we go? :)

Daddy's Day

(June 17, 2012)

"Come to the Father
Though your gift is small
Broken hearts, broken lives
He will take them all"

Today is Father's Day.

4 years ago, my heart was broken, my dream was shattered. Today I was reminded of that shattered dream and that brokenness. Never will I be able to walk down the aisle with Daddy by my side. Yet, today too, I am reminded that God above is also my Father and that He will be my guide.

Coming out of service today, I have a renewed hope. New dreams can be created and my heart can be mended. Its just whether I'm willing to allow myself to go through that process :)

But there will always be there special place for both Dads in Heaven and would like to take this opportunity to say Happy Father's Day to them.

I miss you much Daddy.

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I wrote this 2 weeks ago. Like any typical Sunday, I went for church service. During the service, the pastor talked about the role of the Father and used the analogy of the Wedding March where the father will walk the daughter down the aisle. Watching the "models" act according to the sermon made me think about my wedding in the future (if it ever were to happen). Hence my reaction.

But the Good Lord reminded me again, that although my dreams were shattered, He will NEVER leave me nor forsake me (Deut 31:6). Everything happens for a reason and that I just needed to trust in Him.

The pain of losing my daddy 4 years ago would probably never go away, but together with that pain, I have many years of loving memories with him. One of my favourite memories is when daddy was bedridden and I had just bought a new dress. I asked him if he wanted to see me wear it and he nodded his head (by then he couldn't speak any more). I changed into the gown and climbed a stool so that he could see the full dress. When I told him to open his eyes, he saw me. He cried. Yet, between the tears I could see the smile in his eyes.

He was proud of me.

He LOVED me. It was all there in that moment.

I could feel it.

And till today, I remember it.

Bringing it back to that broken dream again, God again reminded me through his Word that "all is well"

For I know the plans I have for you,"declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future..." ~Jeremiah 29:11~

All is well indeed.

Ciao.

p.s:  Here's to those who has had dreams shattered before. There is hope still.