#missionKatibas : Nehemiah's Heart

It was a beautiful sight to behold. :) An amazing banner to welcome us which could be seen from afar (like really far....)!

Almost a month back I finally got to go on a trip that had been in talks for the longest time. When I met up with Jarod in December last year, he pitched how he wanted to work on bringing outsiders to visit his school and give his kids the exposure that they severely need (this is true for MANY schools in rural areas).

I knew I had to grab this opportunity before he gets a transfer out. One thing led to another and finally #missionKatibas happened! :)

[NOTE: For details of the trip and what happened, click on this link.]

"There will come a time in your life when you meet like-minded people who get you & share your ideals. When you meet people like these, the only natural thing to do is collaborate & see where it takes you. It usually leads to surprisingly amazing moments which touches the hearts of those who experience it first hand & even those who hear the stories. From there, the possibilities are infinite. This is merely the beginning of more great things to come."

                                                                                        - Jarod Yong, #missionKatibas -  

The words of Jarod are perfect in summarising how I (and I'm sure my whole team too) felt about the whole trip. There were AMAZING heart warming moments and even other people after hearing our stories are moved by it.

A church friend was moved by the testimony the pictures brought on Facebook :D

A Sarawakian TFM Fellow was inspired by the tweets and pictures of #missionKatibas :)

Taking on the task of this trip was not an easy one to begin with. From finding people to come with me to preparing for the sessions, took months to prepare for and needed pre-work from both sides of parties involved. Going into details would show the logistical nightmare but for this monumental life experience blogpost, I'm choosing instead to write from the perspective of lessons that I learned from it. :)  So, here goes!!

*******#missionKatibas********

Lesson #1 (Twitter) - forgive the typo... too excited

Let me clarify. I'm a planner (for most things in life). I like knowing details ahead of time so that mitigation steps or Plan Bs can be planned for as well. And for a trip as big as this, planning was VITAL. Initial plans saw me expecting 10 - 15 people. It was going to be big. But one by one people pulled out because they couldn't commit to the trip due to work demands or other things cropping up. Frustration was my friend throughout the planning stages, right till the week before the travels when one last member pulled out but PRAISE GOD, He had a replacement all along.

Logistics aside, finally the team that came with me were Trish and Sonia (from the beginning they said yes and stuck with me. I LOVE YOU girls!), Wai Leem (when I pitched the idea to him he jumped on it) and Esther (she was the last minute replacement and an answer to MANY prayers!)

The Final #missionKatibas team : (L-R) Trish, Sonia, Wai Leem, Esther - such a good looking team =)

Another part to where this lesson was learnt was during the execution of the sessions. 3 sessions altogether and one youth service in 2 days was no joke. Planning was fine and most of the prep was done. Yet with ALL that planning, many things were changed or added. I've never had to do so much impromptu stuff for sessions before. But God proved me again and again how if we just learn to rely on Him, learn to lean on Him and learn to just TRUST Him; He's got things covered. And for that, I AM GRATEFUL. (It helped too that my team was AMAZING and quick on their feet) :)

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Lesson #2 (Twitter)

The average age of the #missionKatibas team is about 24 years. That's young!! And to think we could have potentially made a difference in the lives of 400+ kids is very humbling. Its such an encouragement to see my team mates stepping up to the challenges in running the sessions. Here are some breakdowns.

1) Esther (baby of the group):- shared her testimony in BM and helped lead groups in big sessions.
2) Wai Leem (the other baby of the group):- shared his testimony TWICE, help lead groups in big sessions and led Praise and Worship for youth service, played guitar for me TWICE (testimony and presentation)
3) Sonia:- Did the main sharing for the kids during youth service, led groups in big sessions, took amazing photos and edited the graduation photos
4) Trish:- Led the games for youth service, led groups in big sessions, took many many amazing photos, and edited the graduation photos

The view from stage of the youth service on Wednesday night. :) [Look at al those beautiful faces of God's Children]

What we did at SMK Katibas was small, but with God small does not matter. Matthew 17:20 teaches us that "....if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." And for whatever little that we give, we have faith that a seed has been planted and will one day blossom beautifully. :)

"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity".
                                                                                                              -1 Timothy 4:12-

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Lesson #3 (Twitter)

There are 5 people whom I pay tribute to in this tweet.

1. SONIA: Being much junior from me in church and growing up, I have to admit I never was very close to her till she started helping out in the youth. Through those years, as I was given the privilege of leading youth, I saw her grow not just in maturity but also into a friend and a strong confidant. :) Very much unexpected indeed was this friendship, but one that is very much treasured.
2. TRISH: Just recently both of us tried to pin point a time when we started getting close and we both drew a blank. Hahaha!! I first met Trish when we both volunteered on Doulos (sister ship of Logos Hope) for 2 weeks but beyond that as to how the relationship develop? No IDEA... :) But one thing is for sure, I'd rather not know how this friendship grew than to not have Trish as such a wonderful thought partner in our daily devotions. Thank you Trish.
3. WAI LEEM: This one is an interesting one. :D I'm actually friends first with his eldest brother who is my batch. And Wai Leem is pretty much a whole generation younger than me so to be able to have seen him when he was a kid and now serving alongside me is a pleasant surprise that I am proud to be witness of.
4. ESTHER: Among all 5 mentioned here, Esther's friendship would be the least unexpected. Having seen her grow up from Secretary to President of Youth and teaching her in school (Bio and Bible Knowledge); having her here on the trip makes it a beautiful transition from teenager to adulthood and I'm glad I'm part of it.
5. JAROD: Now, this friendship is the most random of them all. :) I found Jarod's blog while surfing teacher blogs and from there followed his twitter account. I probably would have never found it if not for a Fellow sharing another teacher's blogpost on our facebook group. So for what its worth, TFM is the reason this friendship and #missionKatibas could even happen. Jarod, although I've just only known you for a year, I thank God that our lives crossed paths and thank you for all that you've done that has inspired me and many others.

And finally, two worlds meet. :D

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Lesson #5 (Twitter)

Ever since I studied my PGDE (Post Graduate Diploma of Education), I've always wanted to teach in the interior. I knew from little snippets and experience in my dad's village that I would have enjoyed life teaching in rural Sarawak. But things were not meant to be as my dad's conditioned worsened and my posting form was filled with appeals to be near home.

I got what I wanted and was blessed to have spent the last 4 months of my dad's life being near him. Even if it meant giving up on that dream; it was worth it.

But God remembers. :') He remembers my desires and answered my prayers and dream in the most unexpected way. I am BLESSED.

"Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart." -Psalm 37:4-

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Lesson #4 (Twitter)

There is purpose in me putting this Lesson last. This is because it is the strongest lesson from my trip. It didn't hit me till a few days later while having conversations with a friend in my car on the way to a school visit. I was telling her how lately, every time I come home to Kuching, I find it so much harder to leave and depart back to Work-land (KL). That the only thing that makes me walk onto the plane is my job and my love for the people in TFM.

Honestly, its really lonely here where life just pasts you by and you sit in your home reading of all the amazing/fun/lively things your friends are doing back home. Building strong friendships here is difficult too because everyone is so caught up in the rat race to be the richest/fastest/smartest person. Rarely do I find people who will stop for a while, look around and make the best of that moment.

I continued the conversation mentioning how when I first got the TFM job, I couldn't wait to get out of Kuching and now I'm at the point where I just want to go home.

And then she ask me the question that I needed to hear:

"So do you know now, WHY you left?"

I paused.

I realised that I DO KNOW that answer.

I started tearing up and said: "YES... I do... I left because I needed to find out if I loved Sarawak."

And now 1 1/2 years later, I know I do. I TRULY do. And everyday I long for home. Everyday, I long for the people at home. Everyday, I long for a better Sarawak.

Which is why I titled my post as such. This trip has reminded me of Nehemiah and how he longs for his homeland Jerusalem. It reminded me of Nehemiah's heart. Although not mentioned explicitly, the actions that he took in Chapter 1 are obvious.

Hanani, one of my brothers, came from Judah with some other men, and I questioned them about the Jewish remnant that had survived the exile, and also about Jerusalem. They said to me, "Those who survived the exile and are back in the province are in great trouble and disgrace. The wall of Jerusalem is broken down, and its gates have been burned with fire." When I heard this things, I sat down and wept.   - Nehemiah 1:2-4 -

And just as Nehemiah was passionate about Jerusalem, I too feel the same way about Sarawak. There is so much potential back home and growth needed and I want to be a part of it. Having this chance to teach the kids in SMK Katibas reminded me of why I taught in the first place and just as I suspected, would make me regret my decision to leave the teaching force.

View of the school from the Katibas river.

At the end of the trip, I left the school jetty, looking towards the school with tear-filled eyes, beating myself inside on this GRAND (and grave) mistake that I made.

However, conversations with Wai Leem later helped me realise that even though it may seem like a mistake, as a teacher in the public school I probably would never have had the chance to visit these kids and THAT is NO MISTAKE on God's part.

Which again, reminds me of Lesson #1: God knows the plans he has for us. :)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future..."    -Jeremiah 29:11-

God knew from the very beginning. He knew and he heard. :')

*******#missionKatibas*******

So I leave this post thinking again of all that happened during those Amazing three days in PARADISE.

I leave this post being reminded of God's faithfulness in my life (and many others);

and I leave this post knowing that I've fallen in love once again, with my Sarawak.

There are no better words then the yellow words and the smiles on our faces to sum it all. :')

Ciao.

p.s.: To my #missionKatibas team and those who are moved by the stories, here's to many more amazing visits!

p.p.s.: To the Project X+ team, keep up the amazing work you are doing among the kids. Let's all work together to make SMK Katibas an exemplary school!

Butterfly Kisses

[ NOTE: This post was supposed to be published slightly after Father's Day (18 June 2013)... Updates were since added on ]

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It is a well known fact among those who know me that I love and miss my late Father very much. And it shouldn't come as a surprise why I'm writing a post for Father's Day (albeit it being a few days late).

The photo that inspired this post. Here's the facebook version

The photo above (right) was taken on my way to a school visit on the 11th of June. It reminded me of my archived photo on the left and how different the sky looked. Although both photos showed a different scenario, I realised that there is a constant in my life. God.

As I was driving along this stretch the radio station played the song Butterfly Kisses by Bob Carlisle. I've always loved this song and always tear up when it reaches this part:

"Gave me butterfly kisses, with her mama there,
Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair,
"Walk me down the aisle, Daddy-it's just about time."
"Does my wedding gown look pretty, Daddy? Daddy, don't cry"
Oh, with all that I've done wrong I must have done something right. 

To deserve her love every morning and butterfly kisses
I couldn't ask God for more, man this is what love is.
I know I gotta let her go, but I'll always remember
Every hug in the morning and butterfly kisses...

From previous post like this you'll understand why I tear up. However, listening to this song and thinking of Father's Day got me asking; "Will Daddy be proud of me of where I am today?"

At that point I stopped my thoughts and asked myself a much harder question:

"Will  I  be proud of where I am today?"

Asking that got me to really reflect on what I've done in the past 1 1/2 years living in KL, after moving away from my comfort zone of home, family and friends.

As I continued driving, I tried answering THE looming question over my head...

And after the long journey ended, I realised that I actually had an answer (yay!) and here's it is: -

***************

Ever since this post where I decided to let go of my biggest dream, I updated in another post how that was the best decision for me then. This sentiment stands true till today. Why?

#1: Dream of Travelling beyond the borders of Malaysia.

Because I took that bold step of letting go, many other dreams that I've forgotten begun to surface again and one by one came true. In January of this year, I went to New Zealand (pictures) a country I've dreamt of going for many many many years. In February, I had the chance to attend a Teach for All Synergies conference in New Delhi, India and see the b-e-a-utiful Taj Mahal upclose; and in March, I went on a fun, fun trip to Phuket, Thailand and just relaxed at the beach.

This photo ended up looking so nice. I'm happy. On top of Mt. Victoria, Auckland with such a stunning view.

Ah, the Taj Mahal. A symbol of love. Need I say more? :)

I'm not a professional photographer but with my little point-n-shoot camera, I love creating memories. :)

#2: Personal Goals

In the beginning of the year, my Head of Training made us list down our goals for the year. I never really took things like this seriously but this year I thought, why not? And so I did. And these were the goals I chose.

i) Join a dance/music class

Recently I've joined a Capoeira class which was introduced to me by my CEO and another TFM colleague. I didn't really fancy it at first but a few weeks back I won a lucky draw during a pot luck event and had no choice but to go. 

And after the first class, I was HOOKED. I loved it! It had music AND dance elements in it. Brilliant! 

Personal Goal #1: CHECKED!

Because I came back the next day to work talking about it, the next class a few other TFMers decided to join me. So fun! (Photos are Dzameer's)

Before Class: All pumped up!

After class: Defeated with blisters...

 ii) Visit rural schools in East Malaysia on my trips back (one Sarawak, one Sabah)

This one I knew going in was going to be a tough one. And even now, I don't think I'm able to do the Sabah trip due to time constraints at work. However, thanks to Jarod Yong (teacher extrodinaire) the Sarawak trip was a success!! Just 3 weeks ago I had the chance to achieve this goal and live the dream of teaching in a rural area.

Take a look at Jarod's write-up (pictures, my  response)on the amazing 4 days my team and I had at SMK Katibas. Terima Kasih, Cikgu!

So for 2013 to the best of my ability, I would have to say: 

Personal Goal #2: CHECKED! (Will still try work on Sabah rural school)

The moment where everything is centred and all feels right is when I'm doing what I love. Besides dancing and music, teaching is what I love; and this photo sums it all.

iii) Learn to love myself more

As tough as #2 was I knew choosing to go with #3 as a personal goal was tougher. So many of my insecurities that I grew up with I knew I have yet to face. And by choosing this, I knew I had to muster the courage to face them; to which I did, but gradually. 

A breakthrough happen in March when I finally realised that I AM beautiful despite all the horrible statements I've heard growing up and how I will never measure up.

Consciously thinking of how I can continue loving myself more, I decided to splurge on pampering myself a little. One of which was to dye my hair signalling a new beginning.

One of my favourite photos showing my newly dyed hair (of course because mom's in it too) :).

Another initiative I'm taking is to consciously eat healthy. This has been going on for the past 3 months and results are showing! One of my side goals folded in this goal was achieved last week! [Disclaimer: I'm not doing this to lose weight; rather, I'm doing this because I want to love my body and treat it as it deserves]

Side goal achieved! And YES. I'm telling the world! Have had this dress since last year and told myself that I will one day be able to wear it.

 Finally, 2 days ago I had another breakthrough but for this, I'm choosing to keep it silent for now till I'm ready to tell, but it's created so much freedom within me that I just want to stand on a mountain top and scream Hallelujah!

 Reflecting on all the above, I'd say  

Personal Goal #3: HALF-CHECKED. There is still half a year left for me to continue learning to love myself more! And I look forward to seeing how much more I'll grow from this journey :)

#3: Professional Goal

One of my Professional Goal states: "To Lead sessions (minimum 3) throughout the year (Sessions beyond Super Saturday) to push me"

This is my updated list:

• Fab Friday: Global Teaching Summit 2013 (India) - done for TFM staff [April]
• Fab Friday (Twin Edition): Diversity, Community and Achievement (DCA) - done for TFM staff [June]
• How to learn Biology the Fun Way - SMK Seri Setia (formerly known as SMK Bandar Kuching No.2) [June]
• The Teresian Legacy by Teach for Malaysia - SMK St Teresa [July]
• PMR Motivation Session: Multiple Intelligence - SMK Katibas [July]
• SPM Motivation Session: My Life So Far - SMK Katibas [July]

God has been amazing in opening so many doors for me to grow in this area. Looking at this list, I'm proud that I've achieved this goal but I know I shouldn't stop there. Making new sessions has always helped me improve and I plan to continue doing so.

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Regressing back to my thought in the car; "Will I be proud of where I am today?"

I smile, and I say: YES.

Just being able to say that to myself and now choosing to declare it publicly is another point in life I am proud of. My Personal Goal #3's list will keep growing and I'm honestly excited.

I realise now how much my insecurities have held me back so many times and this time I'm making my stand to say: ENOUGH.

I am proud of myself and will keep reminding myself through posts like this of who I am. As for Daddy, I can only imagine that my he will be proud of me just like how Bob Carlisle sings of how proud he is of his daughter.

So, here's to many more Butterfly Kisses moments in life. I'll end this post with the words I wrote to accompany the photo (top) that inspired this post:

June 17, 2013.
Here is a stretch of road that I usually take to visit my school in N.9. 

This time round, I remembered a photo I took on September 7th last year. The skies were blue and reminded me of God's promises in my life. 

This time round, the skies were a far cry from the clear blue sky that it was in my last photo. Rain threatened to fall and gloom hovered above my car. 

YET... 

This time round, I realise that it's been almost 1 1/2 years since I embarked on this journey and God is still faithful. That through clear skies and dark skies God has been my refuge. 

Thank you LORD for your faithfulness in my life. 

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." -Deuteronomy 31:8 -

Ciao.

p.s.: To those who are on the journey to discovering yourself, let's toast to life!

p.p.s.: Happy Father's Day, daddy. I miss you. :')


[ NOTE: Reason for the delay of this post was the need to get over my internal debate of whether it was worth it. I realised that I needed to because this story of triumph will help others who are going through the same journey. So here it is! God Bless!]

Captivating Beauty

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable then they?" 

Matthew 6:26

Many times in my life I've heard this verse, read it and shared it. Yet every time I read this verse I ask myself. Am I truly that valuable? What kind of value do I have? Do I deserve to be called valuable?

So, Why this post? It all starts with this book:

For my 26th Birthday, I received this book from 2 precious friends...  What I never expected though was the journey that this book took me through over the next 2 1/2 years...

Although the book may have stirred up some controversy, I took the essence of it and realise that I was broken. That I was beaten down. That I allowed myself to think I was never good enough and never measured up.

Yes, I was WRONG. I know that now.

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Growing up, I somehow had this seed planted (I don't know the origin of this belief or why I feel that way) that the one thing I lack in life is beauty. I felt that because I lack it, no one will ever like me truly and many people are friends with me out of pity (hence the questions on values).

I have always found it so easy to see other people as such beautiful creations of God. Yet, when it came to myself I always thought that God somehow missed out. That he somehow forgot the ISO quality check on me or that I somehow slipped through. I look at my handsome father and I look at my gorgeous mother and then I question "what happened to me?!". My brother fits the bill of good looks and I'm just a sad excuse of a life.

To make matters worse, I  was called a pig before (to be exact; Primary 6). And after sometime with all this within me, I  accepted such words as good descriptions of me. I felt that I deserved it because I don't look like my pretty friends. I'm not typically "small"(Big arms, big thighs, big butt, big face, etc...), I have a flat nose (where everyone talks about having "hidung" mancung), I am relatively loud when I laugh (have been told many times that I'm unladylike when I laugh loudly - yet people always say, we should laugh sincerely and heartily) and I have always (literally.. from birth) been on the heavy side (looking for clothes/hearing people talk about their weight when they are WAAAY lighter than me always make me hate myself even more)

Don't get me wrong. I lived a very blessed life. I was (and still am) surrounded by those who love me.

People have CONSISTENTLY told me that I am beautiful, That I am awesome. That they wished I could see what they saw. And every time that happens, I would smile and say thank you yet deep inside I always wondered, were those just words of kindness? Were those words said just to make me happy? Surely, someone as horrible as me could never deserve such praise.

Encouraging words said many times but could never fully appreciate them... 

So what was the best solution in my mind when I felt undeserving of such praise?

I worked harder.

I worked to perfect me as a person without realising the little successes that I had. And because I didn't celebrate my achievements, I craved for acknowledgement. I made a mental note in my head that because I can never measure up in physical terms for what it means to be "beautiful", I will measure up in terms of life's achievements.

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ power may rest on me."

2 Corinthians 12:9

"So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them." 

 Genesis 1:27

I know that by stating all this, has proven me to be a hypocrite. I say that I believe in Christ Jesus and in my weakness his power is made perfect. Yet, here I was trying to perfect myself, fighting this ugly battle within myself all on my own. I professed I believe in Christ Jesus and yet here I was cursing myself with such horrible words and thoughts when I was created in the image of God...

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Back to the book.

Thank you Jacob and Jaime for such a lovely book that challenged me in so many ways. (Even though the date is wrong.. I forgive you.. :P )

I started reading this book (Captivating) in 2010. The first 3 chapters were really good and kept me glued to it. I learnt many things and looked forward to finishing the book fast. Then Chapter 4 came along.

"Chapter 4: WOUNDED"

In this chapter, I was challenged to acknowledge my wounds. To look at my past and come to terms with it. To allow myself to feel the pain and grief that I had gone through all my years.

I read through the first few pages and my eyes were swollen from the tears that kept coming down. I couldn't put myself through it. It was too painful. I got scared and put the book down. And for many months, I refused to pick it up. Every time I saw the cover I cringed and remember the pain, the bitterness against myself and how ugly I truly believe I was.

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Fast forward 2 1/2 years and I decided to bring this book on my recent trip to Phuket. I knew that I couldn't  stay away for too long and decided to face the pain and the agony.

Taking time off to reflect on life :)

Starting again in Chapter 4 made me so nervous. It took quite a few moments to move my eyes beyond the title. But I forced through. Did tears start running down? Yes. Was it painful? Yes. Did I pull through the chapter? Yes. Did I feel liberated? Slightly.

I did celebrate the fact that I could move on in the book, but I knew that on my own I had not addressed the issue fully. There was still someone I needed to consult. His name starts with J and ends with ESUS....

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Last Sunday (right after the Phuket trip) I attended church and throughout the service words in the book swirled in my head (and made time feel like it was passing by really slowly).

The end of the service finally came and during the closing song, something changed. I changed. Standing there in church worshipping God and just embracing His Love, I knew.

I KNEW!

I KNEW and (finally) UNDERSTAND I truly was and am beautiful. I truly am a treasure. I finally saw what my friends see. I realised the depth of God's love for me. Yet...

...when that moment came, I cried. I cried because it took me so long. Soooooo long to get here. So much pain, so much time wasted.

But not any more...

Again, friends reminded me of their CONSTANT effort in letting me know how wrong I was from the beginning

And so I took the step of announcing to the world of my new perspective...

From the get go, I knew I had to make this moment public. I had to share. Why? Because I knew that if I went through this, there must be many others who is going through the same journey. Girls and Guys alike, even though in your life so far you've heard horrible words about yourself or have gone through traumatic incidents that made you question your value, know that there is hope.

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ power may rest on me."

2 Corinthians 12:9

And it is with this post, no matter how you feel about yourself, I want you all to know that, you are NOT ugly and you are NOT useless. It took me too many years to realise that. Please don't go down the beaten path the same way I did. Know for sure that you are:-

AMAZING,

BEAUTIFUL

&

CAPTIVATING.

Ciao.

p.s.: Thank you Lord Jesus, for making me realise how silly I was for not surrendering this fight to you earlier. Thank you Lord for all the amazing friends that you have provided for me along the way who has always believed in me. Thank you Lord for family who continues to love me unconditionally even though I didn't love myself. Thank you Lord, for dying on that Cross and showing me that I AM WORTH it even though I don't deserve it. Amen.

Holiday Break Reflections

16th January 2013.

It's a Wednesday afternoon. Any given normal Wednesday I would be sitting in the office going bout' my business at work. But today I am in Auckland. Today I randomly walk up & down Queens street and Auckland Harbour.

Sitting by the Wynyard Quarters

 Looking around, I see different people buzz about, but its the same story. Same busy lives. And as I sit at the Aotea square; a wide open space before me and reflect on life as it is, I am overwhelmed by this feeling of wanting to cry. I don't know what the tears are for… Tears of sadness? Tears of happiness? Tears of joy? I don't know.

Meeting with the Teach First New Zealand (TFNZ) team was amazing. Yet, to see them work within a system that is already one of the best in the world makes me realise how much more work there is for Teach for Malaysia to do.

Will every child receive an equal chance to quality education?

The optimist within me has a strong "sense of possibility"  and drives hard on the answer YES. I know. IT IS an idealistic mindset. However, for every time I say yes, the realist in me says "If yes, HOW LONG MORE?"

************

 I wrote this reflection entry a day after I landed in Auckland.

Upon landing, I had the privilege of meeting up with the TFNZ team during their last day of Institute. I met with their fellows and some of the staff members.

Mike leading a session with the participants teaching English.

 I sat down and talked to Edna, Shaun (co-founder of TFNZ), Mike and Margaret and learned that even in an education system as great as New Zealand with a high PISA ranking, there are setbacks and inequalities that needs to be addressed. Yet, knowing that fact did not assure me of how similar each country is but rather, created a shiver as I thought of the magnitude that we had to work for back home. Questions flooded my mind.

How many more years to go before we see an impactful difference? How much more manpower is needed if NZ only has a population of 4 million and Malaysia has a population 7 times that. How much more complicated is our battle if NZ's inequality is mainly along the lines of just racial divide but ours involves socio-economic divide, political influence, urban and rural difference, multi-language barriers and so much more…

-"I don't know what the tears are for… Tears of sadness? Tears of happiness? Tears of joy? I don't know."-

New Zealand has always been one of the countries that I've always dreamed of coming to visit. Probably on top of my list together with France, Italy and England. So much of my life story is connected to NZ and I know that I need to explore it.

Living the dream. So blessed.

Staying here in NZ the last 2 weeks has shown me so much of what I have missed my whole life. Friends and family come over to study, have a holiday and some have even settled down in NZ. Only now when I'm ending my 20s I finally get a chance to live that dream of travelling here..

And after just 2 weeks, I know now why so many people choose to leave Malaysia. I can't blame them anymore. I myself feel so drawn. Thinking back; at this moment, I truly believe that ignorance IS bliss. Knowing about New Zealand but not experiencing is good to begin with but when experience enriches the mind with possibilities, you may end up wanting more. I used to be happy where I am and contented with what I have. Now all that runs through my mind is; "Is there more?"

Picture from here.

And this is where the pain comes. Family members on this side of the grassland is encouraging me to the point of pestering me (I know it’s a strong word but when many family members keep repeating it, it brings the same effect) to apply for a job here. To move here. To New Zealand. And you know what?

The selfish side of me REALLY WANTS TO.

So badly.

To have a life here. To run away from the bureaucracy and the red tapes in government procedures. To run away from all the heartaches that I have encountered and lived through in Malaysia. To start afresh.

Yet for EVERY time that I think of that, guilt fills me as well. I know that Malaysia needs me. I know that Sarawak; land I call home; needs me. And what makes this guilt worse is that I know that I have the expertise to make that difference no matter how small I am in the big scheme of things.

My thoughts then race back to Teach for Malaysia. I think of the kids and my heart aches. I think of how privilege I am (despite the lack of experiences) because of the education I had. I think of the organisation and what it is fighting for.. And I think…

And think.. And think... that I...

I shouldn't be selfish..

I should in fact give more..

Because I can..

Because I should..

As I go through this guilt trip of telling myself how selfish I am to have even think of such things while so many kids' rights are being trampled on, the "selfish" side of me emerges again and says:

"Yes, Sarah.. Yes you should give back. Yes you should help the kids of Malaysia. But think about it. You've been giving and giving all these years. You've always thought of the kids. You've always thought of your youth group… You've always thought of your family.. So many opportunities given up because responsibilities took over.. Obligations took over.. Maybe its time to take a break? Think of yourself for a bit? If you continue on like this, how long more can you keep this up?"

Objectively thinking about it, I really have been giving all that I am to others for many years. (I'm not exaggerating neither am I boasting.) However I could contribute, I helped out.  And I truly believe that all that I've done, WAS and STILL IS God's calling for me.

Then I think of how we need rest too so that we can rejuvenate and restore ourselves for the battle ahead and wonder.. Should I take a rest as well? Am I coming to the point of burn out?

But then I think of Jesus and how he did so much in the 3 years of ministry he had before he died on the cross. Did he stop? No. Did he ever stop thinking of us? No. Did he give his all? YES. All the time.

So at this point in time as I think of my journey I stop and think hard… "What Would Jesus Do?"

At the Rose Garden, Auckland.

What would he do indeed…

Moving on, where will my feet take me next? What footprints will I leave behind? What will my legacy be?

Ciao.

p.s.: For those who are going through tough life decisions, ALL THE BEST!. I know how you feel.

Of Hugs and Kisses, XOXO

June 30th, 2012

The most ordinary day that means the world to me. :) One of my dearest friends got married (hip hip hooray!!)

Picture from here

Its been a while since I last went to Penang. So the last weekend spent there was really something that I looked forward to in a long time. But today, I'm not going to dwell on the trip. Allow me to just take a stroll down memory lane with my lovely roommates in UNIMAS.

My dearest girlfriends,

Its been 9 years since we've known each other! Oh how time flies!

I remember that fine day when we registered for university and I was with my friends and you were with yours. Yet lots of movement here and there caused us to end up in the same line together. How amazing it is that God put it in such a way that we four were clumped together into one room.

This then was the beginning of the adventures of CD141 (a.k.a Burping Gals)

Back when we so proud of our 2megapixel cameras.. :P (1st year in Uni)

On my 20th birthday. With my gals. (2nd year in Uni)

Beginnings are always tough but after initial adjustments, we pretty much couldn't be separated. We did almost everything together. From studying (Su Yin, this is you) to tennis (all four of us) to shopping, and eating; WE WERE INSEPARABLE. Years in Univerity passed by so quickly...

I remember when we got this we were all SO PROUD of it.. haha.. and how the colours matched the background

Here's proof! We really DID graduate! :)

3rd year went by so quickly. By the time we realised university was finishing, we all graduated! Time spent together was coming to an end and the future was filled with unknowns.

Even though our journey in UNIMAS ended, we knew this was never the end of our beautiful friendship. We made a promise that we must meet at least once a year. And till now, we've been faithful to that promise :) Thank you girls.

2007 - Kuching

2008 (April) - Dad's funeral - Kuching

2008 (October 4th) - Su Yin's wedding :) - Penang

2009 we didn't meet as a group but we did meet each other at different times. However, because we missed each other so much, we met in the beginning of 2010 back in the town where we first met. KUCHING :D

2010 - Kuching

Time flew by again so quickly. October 10th, 2010 came with the official news that Grace was getting married! :D

2011 (April 23rd) - Grace's wedding :) - Kota Kinabalu

By then, Christine was going out with Mike already and things seem to go well. But before she got hitched, we needed just one more meetup (whatever excuse to meet up right?). And so we did...

2011 (December) - Year end meet :) - Kuala Lumpur

Well, the next 2 photos is dedicated to Christine's wedding. Thank you my dear for allowing me to share the experience of such a beautiful wedding. After all that planning, it turned out SO well.

2012 (June 30th) - Christine's wedding :) - Penang

Su yin wasn't in this photo. She was on a plane ride from Tokyo to KL. I want to dedicate this section to her because she pretty much cut short her sampling trip in Japan to make it for Christine's wedding. Thank you dear for your sacrifice :). Although she did not make the church service in time....

2012 (June 30th) - Christine's reception (WITH SU YIN!!) - E&O Penang

She made it for the reception!*cheer*

I recently shared this with the girls and want to share it again:

"God knew.. He knew so well that we needed each other. Even many years down the road. It was all laid for us. Such a beautiful foundation of friendship. Nothing short of Divine. :) "

I can still remember so well. That one fine day when 4 lives would cross paths and create history.

Heavenly Father, I thank you SO deeply for these 3 girls whom you've put in my lives. You knew how much I needed them and till today I'm so grateful for them. You've given me angels that love me and care for me in so many ways. Thank you again. Amen.

My sweethearts, you've reminded me over the weekend how important friendships are. What more to say friendships that has crossed over into sisterhood. You all are amazing. I love you.

XOXO.

Ciao.

p.s.: Here's to friendships that means the world to you. You need them.

p.p.s: So..gals, its the 10th year next year.. where should we go? :)