Holiday Break Reflections

16th January 2013.

It's a Wednesday afternoon. Any given normal Wednesday I would be sitting in the office going bout' my business at work. But today I am in Auckland. Today I randomly walk up & down Queens street and Auckland Harbour.

Sitting by the Wynyard Quarters

 Looking around, I see different people buzz about, but its the same story. Same busy lives. And as I sit at the Aotea square; a wide open space before me and reflect on life as it is, I am overwhelmed by this feeling of wanting to cry. I don't know what the tears are for… Tears of sadness? Tears of happiness? Tears of joy? I don't know.

Meeting with the Teach First New Zealand (TFNZ) team was amazing. Yet, to see them work within a system that is already one of the best in the world makes me realise how much more work there is for Teach for Malaysia to do.

Will every child receive an equal chance to quality education?

The optimist within me has a strong "sense of possibility"  and drives hard on the answer YES. I know. IT IS an idealistic mindset. However, for every time I say yes, the realist in me says "If yes, HOW LONG MORE?"

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 I wrote this reflection entry a day after I landed in Auckland.

Upon landing, I had the privilege of meeting up with the TFNZ team during their last day of Institute. I met with their fellows and some of the staff members.

Mike leading a session with the participants teaching English.

 I sat down and talked to Edna, Shaun (co-founder of TFNZ), Mike and Margaret and learned that even in an education system as great as New Zealand with a high PISA ranking, there are setbacks and inequalities that needs to be addressed. Yet, knowing that fact did not assure me of how similar each country is but rather, created a shiver as I thought of the magnitude that we had to work for back home. Questions flooded my mind.

How many more years to go before we see an impactful difference? How much more manpower is needed if NZ only has a population of 4 million and Malaysia has a population 7 times that. How much more complicated is our battle if NZ's inequality is mainly along the lines of just racial divide but ours involves socio-economic divide, political influence, urban and rural difference, multi-language barriers and so much more…

-"I don't know what the tears are for… Tears of sadness? Tears of happiness? Tears of joy? I don't know."-

New Zealand has always been one of the countries that I've always dreamed of coming to visit. Probably on top of my list together with France, Italy and England. So much of my life story is connected to NZ and I know that I need to explore it.

Living the dream. So blessed.

Staying here in NZ the last 2 weeks has shown me so much of what I have missed my whole life. Friends and family come over to study, have a holiday and some have even settled down in NZ. Only now when I'm ending my 20s I finally get a chance to live that dream of travelling here..

And after just 2 weeks, I know now why so many people choose to leave Malaysia. I can't blame them anymore. I myself feel so drawn. Thinking back; at this moment, I truly believe that ignorance IS bliss. Knowing about New Zealand but not experiencing is good to begin with but when experience enriches the mind with possibilities, you may end up wanting more. I used to be happy where I am and contented with what I have. Now all that runs through my mind is; "Is there more?"

Picture from here.

And this is where the pain comes. Family members on this side of the grassland is encouraging me to the point of pestering me (I know it’s a strong word but when many family members keep repeating it, it brings the same effect) to apply for a job here. To move here. To New Zealand. And you know what?

The selfish side of me REALLY WANTS TO.

So badly.

To have a life here. To run away from the bureaucracy and the red tapes in government procedures. To run away from all the heartaches that I have encountered and lived through in Malaysia. To start afresh.

Yet for EVERY time that I think of that, guilt fills me as well. I know that Malaysia needs me. I know that Sarawak; land I call home; needs me. And what makes this guilt worse is that I know that I have the expertise to make that difference no matter how small I am in the big scheme of things.

My thoughts then race back to Teach for Malaysia. I think of the kids and my heart aches. I think of how privilege I am (despite the lack of experiences) because of the education I had. I think of the organisation and what it is fighting for.. And I think…

And think.. And think... that I...

I shouldn't be selfish..

I should in fact give more..

Because I can..

Because I should..

As I go through this guilt trip of telling myself how selfish I am to have even think of such things while so many kids' rights are being trampled on, the "selfish" side of me emerges again and says:

"Yes, Sarah.. Yes you should give back. Yes you should help the kids of Malaysia. But think about it. You've been giving and giving all these years. You've always thought of the kids. You've always thought of your youth group… You've always thought of your family.. So many opportunities given up because responsibilities took over.. Obligations took over.. Maybe its time to take a break? Think of yourself for a bit? If you continue on like this, how long more can you keep this up?"

Objectively thinking about it, I really have been giving all that I am to others for many years. (I'm not exaggerating neither am I boasting.) However I could contribute, I helped out.  And I truly believe that all that I've done, WAS and STILL IS God's calling for me.

Then I think of how we need rest too so that we can rejuvenate and restore ourselves for the battle ahead and wonder.. Should I take a rest as well? Am I coming to the point of burn out?

But then I think of Jesus and how he did so much in the 3 years of ministry he had before he died on the cross. Did he stop? No. Did he ever stop thinking of us? No. Did he give his all? YES. All the time.

So at this point in time as I think of my journey I stop and think hard… "What Would Jesus Do?"

At the Rose Garden, Auckland.

What would he do indeed…

Moving on, where will my feet take me next? What footprints will I leave behind? What will my legacy be?

Ciao.

p.s.: For those who are going through tough life decisions, ALL THE BEST!. I know how you feel.