Butterfly Kisses

[ NOTE: This post was supposed to be published slightly after Father's Day (18 June 2013)... Updates were since added on ]

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It is a well known fact among those who know me that I love and miss my late Father very much. And it shouldn't come as a surprise why I'm writing a post for Father's Day (albeit it being a few days late).

The photo that inspired this post. Here's the facebook version

The photo above (right) was taken on my way to a school visit on the 11th of June. It reminded me of my archived photo on the left and how different the sky looked. Although both photos showed a different scenario, I realised that there is a constant in my life. God.

As I was driving along this stretch the radio station played the song Butterfly Kisses by Bob Carlisle. I've always loved this song and always tear up when it reaches this part:

"Gave me butterfly kisses, with her mama there,
Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair,
"Walk me down the aisle, Daddy-it's just about time."
"Does my wedding gown look pretty, Daddy? Daddy, don't cry"
Oh, with all that I've done wrong I must have done something right. 

To deserve her love every morning and butterfly kisses
I couldn't ask God for more, man this is what love is.
I know I gotta let her go, but I'll always remember
Every hug in the morning and butterfly kisses...

From previous post like this you'll understand why I tear up. However, listening to this song and thinking of Father's Day got me asking; "Will Daddy be proud of me of where I am today?"

At that point I stopped my thoughts and asked myself a much harder question:

"Will  I  be proud of where I am today?"

Asking that got me to really reflect on what I've done in the past 1 1/2 years living in KL, after moving away from my comfort zone of home, family and friends.

As I continued driving, I tried answering THE looming question over my head...

And after the long journey ended, I realised that I actually had an answer (yay!) and here's it is: -

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Ever since this post where I decided to let go of my biggest dream, I updated in another post how that was the best decision for me then. This sentiment stands true till today. Why?

#1: Dream of Travelling beyond the borders of Malaysia.

Because I took that bold step of letting go, many other dreams that I've forgotten begun to surface again and one by one came true. In January of this year, I went to New Zealand (pictures) a country I've dreamt of going for many many many years. In February, I had the chance to attend a Teach for All Synergies conference in New Delhi, India and see the b-e-a-utiful Taj Mahal upclose; and in March, I went on a fun, fun trip to Phuket, Thailand and just relaxed at the beach.

This photo ended up looking so nice. I'm happy. On top of Mt. Victoria, Auckland with such a stunning view.

Ah, the Taj Mahal. A symbol of love. Need I say more? :)

I'm not a professional photographer but with my little point-n-shoot camera, I love creating memories. :)

#2: Personal Goals

In the beginning of the year, my Head of Training made us list down our goals for the year. I never really took things like this seriously but this year I thought, why not? And so I did. And these were the goals I chose.

i) Join a dance/music class

Recently I've joined a Capoeira class which was introduced to me by my CEO and another TFM colleague. I didn't really fancy it at first but a few weeks back I won a lucky draw during a pot luck event and had no choice but to go. 

And after the first class, I was HOOKED. I loved it! It had music AND dance elements in it. Brilliant! 

Personal Goal #1: CHECKED!

Because I came back the next day to work talking about it, the next class a few other TFMers decided to join me. So fun! (Photos are Dzameer's)

Before Class: All pumped up!

After class: Defeated with blisters...

 ii) Visit rural schools in East Malaysia on my trips back (one Sarawak, one Sabah)

This one I knew going in was going to be a tough one. And even now, I don't think I'm able to do the Sabah trip due to time constraints at work. However, thanks to Jarod Yong (teacher extrodinaire) the Sarawak trip was a success!! Just 3 weeks ago I had the chance to achieve this goal and live the dream of teaching in a rural area.

Take a look at Jarod's write-up (pictures, my  response)on the amazing 4 days my team and I had at SMK Katibas. Terima Kasih, Cikgu!

So for 2013 to the best of my ability, I would have to say: 

Personal Goal #2: CHECKED! (Will still try work on Sabah rural school)

The moment where everything is centred and all feels right is when I'm doing what I love. Besides dancing and music, teaching is what I love; and this photo sums it all.

iii) Learn to love myself more

As tough as #2 was I knew choosing to go with #3 as a personal goal was tougher. So many of my insecurities that I grew up with I knew I have yet to face. And by choosing this, I knew I had to muster the courage to face them; to which I did, but gradually. 

A breakthrough happen in March when I finally realised that I AM beautiful despite all the horrible statements I've heard growing up and how I will never measure up.

Consciously thinking of how I can continue loving myself more, I decided to splurge on pampering myself a little. One of which was to dye my hair signalling a new beginning.

One of my favourite photos showing my newly dyed hair (of course because mom's in it too) :).

Another initiative I'm taking is to consciously eat healthy. This has been going on for the past 3 months and results are showing! One of my side goals folded in this goal was achieved last week! [Disclaimer: I'm not doing this to lose weight; rather, I'm doing this because I want to love my body and treat it as it deserves]

Side goal achieved! And YES. I'm telling the world! Have had this dress since last year and told myself that I will one day be able to wear it.

 Finally, 2 days ago I had another breakthrough but for this, I'm choosing to keep it silent for now till I'm ready to tell, but it's created so much freedom within me that I just want to stand on a mountain top and scream Hallelujah!

 Reflecting on all the above, I'd say  

Personal Goal #3: HALF-CHECKED. There is still half a year left for me to continue learning to love myself more! And I look forward to seeing how much more I'll grow from this journey :)

#3: Professional Goal

One of my Professional Goal states: "To Lead sessions (minimum 3) throughout the year (Sessions beyond Super Saturday) to push me"

This is my updated list:

• Fab Friday: Global Teaching Summit 2013 (India) - done for TFM staff [April]
• Fab Friday (Twin Edition): Diversity, Community and Achievement (DCA) - done for TFM staff [June]
• How to learn Biology the Fun Way - SMK Seri Setia (formerly known as SMK Bandar Kuching No.2) [June]
• The Teresian Legacy by Teach for Malaysia - SMK St Teresa [July]
• PMR Motivation Session: Multiple Intelligence - SMK Katibas [July]
• SPM Motivation Session: My Life So Far - SMK Katibas [July]

God has been amazing in opening so many doors for me to grow in this area. Looking at this list, I'm proud that I've achieved this goal but I know I shouldn't stop there. Making new sessions has always helped me improve and I plan to continue doing so.

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Regressing back to my thought in the car; "Will I be proud of where I am today?"

I smile, and I say: YES.

Just being able to say that to myself and now choosing to declare it publicly is another point in life I am proud of. My Personal Goal #3's list will keep growing and I'm honestly excited.

I realise now how much my insecurities have held me back so many times and this time I'm making my stand to say: ENOUGH.

I am proud of myself and will keep reminding myself through posts like this of who I am. As for Daddy, I can only imagine that my he will be proud of me just like how Bob Carlisle sings of how proud he is of his daughter.

So, here's to many more Butterfly Kisses moments in life. I'll end this post with the words I wrote to accompany the photo (top) that inspired this post:

June 17, 2013.
Here is a stretch of road that I usually take to visit my school in N.9. 

This time round, I remembered a photo I took on September 7th last year. The skies were blue and reminded me of God's promises in my life. 

This time round, the skies were a far cry from the clear blue sky that it was in my last photo. Rain threatened to fall and gloom hovered above my car. 

YET... 

This time round, I realise that it's been almost 1 1/2 years since I embarked on this journey and God is still faithful. That through clear skies and dark skies God has been my refuge. 

Thank you LORD for your faithfulness in my life. 

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." -Deuteronomy 31:8 -

Ciao.

p.s.: To those who are on the journey to discovering yourself, let's toast to life!

p.p.s.: Happy Father's Day, daddy. I miss you. :')


[ NOTE: Reason for the delay of this post was the need to get over my internal debate of whether it was worth it. I realised that I needed to because this story of triumph will help others who are going through the same journey. So here it is! God Bless!]

Kar'na SalibMu (Because of Your Cross)

VERSE 1:

Hanya Kau Tuhan di hidupku,    (Only you Lord in my life)

Kau berikan hidup yang baru,    (You give new life)

Darah-Mu menyucikan pulihkan hatiku,    (Your blood cleanses and heal my heart)

Kunyatakan Kaulah s'galanya    (I declare that You are everything) 

VERSE 2:

Engkaulah sumber pengharapan,   (You are the source of hope)

Kuasa-Mu sanggup menyembuhkan    (Your power gives healing)

Jiwaku pun berserah hanya kepada-Mu,    (My soul is given to you O Lord)

Yesus Kaulah segalanya    (Jesus, You are everything) 

CHORUS:

Kar'na salib-Mu ku hidup,    (Because of Your Cross, I live)

Kar'na salib-Mu ku menang,    (Because of Your Cross, I win)

Engkau yang berkuasa,    (You are the Almighty)

Sanggup 'tuk melakukan mujizat-Mu,    (Making/Giving Your miracles)

Di hidupku.    (In my life)

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When I first heard this song I remember playing it over and over again. Ever since then, I have somewhat forgotten about it till a tweet from the Main Singer, Sidney Mohede came on my tweet feed. :)

So here I am back again in that phase listening to this song and being reminded of God's Unconditional Love for me. That although born a sinner, still chosen to be His daughter. Thank you Lord for your Grace, Mercy and Faithfulness in my life.

Ciao.

p.s.: To those who find this song encouraging. I hear you. :)

My Hope... My Malaysia...

Negaraku...

The weeks surrounding this year's elections (GE13) got me writing a few posts on facebook and also giving feedback for my friend's article. :) As sometime has passed since, I thought I'd just gather all the writings into one place so that it is easier for my reference in the future. :) Here goes!

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Article #1

Question: Why are you coming back to vote and what are your hopes for Malaysia?

Why I'm coming back to vote.
- Many times as citizens of this country, we feel we have the right to complain. Why? Because we are living it. The reality of things. We say of many things that are not good and give 10 opinions on why it is not good and what should be done about it. For all that we as Malaysians are "voicing" our dissatisfaction to thin air, this is one time, where our voice does matter. Our right to vote should be exercised so that we choose the right leaders to lead our country. So that these leaders will represent the ideal that we want. Don't go running amok with complaints if you yourself have not chosen to use that voice to vote. This is the one chance I get to use my voice where it matters, and I'm choosing to use it for a better Malaysia.

Hopes for Malaysia?
- I truly believe that Malaysia has what it takes to make a mark on the world. We have some of the brightest minds, the most passionate people and the coolest cultures in the world. I want Malaysia not to be known just for what she is but what she CAN be. Beyond that, I want Malaysians to know that Malaysia deserves a shot. That no matter where they are, there is this sense of belonging to our homeland. A sense of pride from where we come from. Pride that is so deep you want to give back to help build the next generation.

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Article #2

Question: What are your views on unity. (For the campaign: Kamilah Malaysia)

"Kamilah Malaysia.

Reading these 2 words brings to mind the 3 Musketeers. "All for one, and one for all" was their famous tag line and has been extensively used throughout the world.

In Malaysia, we need UNITY. Unity because of different backgrounds, different races, different tribes. When I mention unity I do not mean that we all become robots and churn out the same answer and have the same belief, but rather in within unity there is a need for humility, a need for respect, a need for understanding and a need for tolerance.

We need to be united. We can't afford as a nation to have a future that is divided. With what I've witnessed in the last few weeks leading up to the election, I hope the people of Malaysia will continue to clothe ourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. I hope that we will bear with each other and forgive one another. I hope that over all these virtues, we put on love, which will bind it all in perfect unity.

Coming back to my unity, when I think of it; I think of the 3 musketeers; where "All Malaysians are for every individual who call themselves Malaysians and every individual who calls him/herself Malaysian for all Malaysians.

"All for one, and one for all".

Kamilah Malaysia."

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Article #3

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Facebook #1: 6th May 2013

"BLACK. Not because I've lost my hope in Malaysia.
BLACK. Not because Malaysia is dead.
BLACK. Because I believe there is still hope.
BLACK. Because yesterday was a very dirty day but I acknowledge it. 

And I choose not to give up."

This was written a day after the elections and many were sad to see the amount of injustice during the whole day. I wrote this because many were assuming that those who chose to blacken their profile picture meant that they gave up on Malaysia. On the contrary, some of the most passionate people I know who live and breathe Malaysia were the ones changing their pictures. It wasn't a sign on giving in. It was a sign of disappointment and their promise to see a better Malaysia.

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Facebook #2: 27th April 2013

The People are Tired. The Rakyat has had enough.

Had a nice time with Christine Lim this morning and not surprisingly, our topics of discussion revolved around the upcoming elections. Just before that, I bought a Star newspaper because I haven't in a long time. What shocked me was not so much that news was very pro-government. What shocked me was the advertisement that "MCA" published to ruin DAP. And it wasn't just a simple press statement or maybe a black and white page. NOPE. It was a 6 full blown coloured pages of tax payer's money that I personally felt had very disrespectful messages. To add to that, they even pull out the racial card.

What happened to the 1Malaysia stance that you so boldly speak about? Yet in campaign messages you show the opposite? Why ask us to vote for UNITY when you do not live it? Where is the integrity in that?

After the meet up, saw this video online. So heart breaking. BUT what made it great was to see Malaysians coming together to voice their concerns. Not just in Malaysia itself, but throughout the world. :)

My fellow countrymen,

Whether here or abroad, your voices during Bersih 3.0 made the world notice our small country.

People are watching. They're listening and on May 5th, they'll be waiting...

Each of you have a voice. Each of you have the right to speak up and to use that voice. Don't waste this opportunity.

Get up and Go VOTE.

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This is my Hope.

This is my Malaysia.

Ciao.

p.s.: To all Malaysians, just as your heart beats for this country, so does mine.

5 years since...

Photo sourced from here

15 April 2008.

The day I could not be Daddy's Little Girl anymore...

I miss you very much daddy. :') Very very much...

Photo sourced from here

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The years looking after daddy were some of the most trying years as all of us had to juggle that and either school, work or studies.. Time pretty much stopped where we couldn't go far beyond the boundaries of Kuching and me being the one that pushed it the furthest with short trips to KL/Penang.

Yet, when I look back at those times, I only remember Joy and Love. Never once did bitterness creep into my memories and I believe it was then that my family were the closest with each other. :')

Asking myself, if I could turn back time, would I change a thing (and if I had the power to heal sickness as well). My answer would come quickly with a "NO".

Why?

Because, it was those trying times that pushed me to GROW. It was those trying times that pushed me to LOVE; and it was those trying times that pushed me to LIVE.

There is nothing else to do but to thank God above for the wonderful memories that He has allowed me to create with my awesome daddy. Thank you Heavenly Father for your love that enveloped my family in those hard times. It was because of Your Love that we were able to love each other.

I'll end this post with part of the lyrics from the song "It is well"...

But Lord, 'tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul.

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This section is  tribute to daddy and to show a glimpse of the man that he was. My Hero. :)

1) A post on the Malay Mail's article.

2) Even when he fell sick, dad would faithfully go to church and encouraged the whole family to do the same.

3) A write up about the Borneo Post publication on my father's story (written when he was much younger and very healthy - trying to source the original story from a friend now)

4) Proof of my dad's achievement :) (scroll down to Javelin section).

5) From the perspective of an outsider who unexpectedly becomes a friend. Thank you Larry!

6) The article written by daddy's close friend.

7) An archive of my blog remembering daddy fondly.

8) This was the sport he loved and did well in :)

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I Love You, Daddy.

Captivating Beauty

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable then they?" 

Matthew 6:26

Many times in my life I've heard this verse, read it and shared it. Yet every time I read this verse I ask myself. Am I truly that valuable? What kind of value do I have? Do I deserve to be called valuable?

So, Why this post? It all starts with this book:

For my 26th Birthday, I received this book from 2 precious friends...  What I never expected though was the journey that this book took me through over the next 2 1/2 years...

Although the book may have stirred up some controversy, I took the essence of it and realise that I was broken. That I was beaten down. That I allowed myself to think I was never good enough and never measured up.

Yes, I was WRONG. I know that now.

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Growing up, I somehow had this seed planted (I don't know the origin of this belief or why I feel that way) that the one thing I lack in life is beauty. I felt that because I lack it, no one will ever like me truly and many people are friends with me out of pity (hence the questions on values).

I have always found it so easy to see other people as such beautiful creations of God. Yet, when it came to myself I always thought that God somehow missed out. That he somehow forgot the ISO quality check on me or that I somehow slipped through. I look at my handsome father and I look at my gorgeous mother and then I question "what happened to me?!". My brother fits the bill of good looks and I'm just a sad excuse of a life.

To make matters worse, I  was called a pig before (to be exact; Primary 6). And after sometime with all this within me, I  accepted such words as good descriptions of me. I felt that I deserved it because I don't look like my pretty friends. I'm not typically "small"(Big arms, big thighs, big butt, big face, etc...), I have a flat nose (where everyone talks about having "hidung" mancung), I am relatively loud when I laugh (have been told many times that I'm unladylike when I laugh loudly - yet people always say, we should laugh sincerely and heartily) and I have always (literally.. from birth) been on the heavy side (looking for clothes/hearing people talk about their weight when they are WAAAY lighter than me always make me hate myself even more)

Don't get me wrong. I lived a very blessed life. I was (and still am) surrounded by those who love me.

People have CONSISTENTLY told me that I am beautiful, That I am awesome. That they wished I could see what they saw. And every time that happens, I would smile and say thank you yet deep inside I always wondered, were those just words of kindness? Were those words said just to make me happy? Surely, someone as horrible as me could never deserve such praise.

Encouraging words said many times but could never fully appreciate them... 

So what was the best solution in my mind when I felt undeserving of such praise?

I worked harder.

I worked to perfect me as a person without realising the little successes that I had. And because I didn't celebrate my achievements, I craved for acknowledgement. I made a mental note in my head that because I can never measure up in physical terms for what it means to be "beautiful", I will measure up in terms of life's achievements.

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ power may rest on me."

2 Corinthians 12:9

"So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them." 

 Genesis 1:27

I know that by stating all this, has proven me to be a hypocrite. I say that I believe in Christ Jesus and in my weakness his power is made perfect. Yet, here I was trying to perfect myself, fighting this ugly battle within myself all on my own. I professed I believe in Christ Jesus and yet here I was cursing myself with such horrible words and thoughts when I was created in the image of God...

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Back to the book.

Thank you Jacob and Jaime for such a lovely book that challenged me in so many ways. (Even though the date is wrong.. I forgive you.. :P )

I started reading this book (Captivating) in 2010. The first 3 chapters were really good and kept me glued to it. I learnt many things and looked forward to finishing the book fast. Then Chapter 4 came along.

"Chapter 4: WOUNDED"

In this chapter, I was challenged to acknowledge my wounds. To look at my past and come to terms with it. To allow myself to feel the pain and grief that I had gone through all my years.

I read through the first few pages and my eyes were swollen from the tears that kept coming down. I couldn't put myself through it. It was too painful. I got scared and put the book down. And for many months, I refused to pick it up. Every time I saw the cover I cringed and remember the pain, the bitterness against myself and how ugly I truly believe I was.

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Fast forward 2 1/2 years and I decided to bring this book on my recent trip to Phuket. I knew that I couldn't  stay away for too long and decided to face the pain and the agony.

Taking time off to reflect on life :)

Starting again in Chapter 4 made me so nervous. It took quite a few moments to move my eyes beyond the title. But I forced through. Did tears start running down? Yes. Was it painful? Yes. Did I pull through the chapter? Yes. Did I feel liberated? Slightly.

I did celebrate the fact that I could move on in the book, but I knew that on my own I had not addressed the issue fully. There was still someone I needed to consult. His name starts with J and ends with ESUS....

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Last Sunday (right after the Phuket trip) I attended church and throughout the service words in the book swirled in my head (and made time feel like it was passing by really slowly).

The end of the service finally came and during the closing song, something changed. I changed. Standing there in church worshipping God and just embracing His Love, I knew.

I KNEW!

I KNEW and (finally) UNDERSTAND I truly was and am beautiful. I truly am a treasure. I finally saw what my friends see. I realised the depth of God's love for me. Yet...

...when that moment came, I cried. I cried because it took me so long. Soooooo long to get here. So much pain, so much time wasted.

But not any more...

Again, friends reminded me of their CONSTANT effort in letting me know how wrong I was from the beginning

And so I took the step of announcing to the world of my new perspective...

From the get go, I knew I had to make this moment public. I had to share. Why? Because I knew that if I went through this, there must be many others who is going through the same journey. Girls and Guys alike, even though in your life so far you've heard horrible words about yourself or have gone through traumatic incidents that made you question your value, know that there is hope.

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ power may rest on me."

2 Corinthians 12:9

And it is with this post, no matter how you feel about yourself, I want you all to know that, you are NOT ugly and you are NOT useless. It took me too many years to realise that. Please don't go down the beaten path the same way I did. Know for sure that you are:-

AMAZING,

BEAUTIFUL

&

CAPTIVATING.

Ciao.

p.s.: Thank you Lord Jesus, for making me realise how silly I was for not surrendering this fight to you earlier. Thank you Lord for all the amazing friends that you have provided for me along the way who has always believed in me. Thank you Lord for family who continues to love me unconditionally even though I didn't love myself. Thank you Lord, for dying on that Cross and showing me that I AM WORTH it even though I don't deserve it. Amen.

Holiday Break Reflections

16th January 2013.

It's a Wednesday afternoon. Any given normal Wednesday I would be sitting in the office going bout' my business at work. But today I am in Auckland. Today I randomly walk up & down Queens street and Auckland Harbour.

Sitting by the Wynyard Quarters

 Looking around, I see different people buzz about, but its the same story. Same busy lives. And as I sit at the Aotea square; a wide open space before me and reflect on life as it is, I am overwhelmed by this feeling of wanting to cry. I don't know what the tears are for… Tears of sadness? Tears of happiness? Tears of joy? I don't know.

Meeting with the Teach First New Zealand (TFNZ) team was amazing. Yet, to see them work within a system that is already one of the best in the world makes me realise how much more work there is for Teach for Malaysia to do.

Will every child receive an equal chance to quality education?

The optimist within me has a strong "sense of possibility"  and drives hard on the answer YES. I know. IT IS an idealistic mindset. However, for every time I say yes, the realist in me says "If yes, HOW LONG MORE?"

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 I wrote this reflection entry a day after I landed in Auckland.

Upon landing, I had the privilege of meeting up with the TFNZ team during their last day of Institute. I met with their fellows and some of the staff members.

Mike leading a session with the participants teaching English.

 I sat down and talked to Edna, Shaun (co-founder of TFNZ), Mike and Margaret and learned that even in an education system as great as New Zealand with a high PISA ranking, there are setbacks and inequalities that needs to be addressed. Yet, knowing that fact did not assure me of how similar each country is but rather, created a shiver as I thought of the magnitude that we had to work for back home. Questions flooded my mind.

How many more years to go before we see an impactful difference? How much more manpower is needed if NZ only has a population of 4 million and Malaysia has a population 7 times that. How much more complicated is our battle if NZ's inequality is mainly along the lines of just racial divide but ours involves socio-economic divide, political influence, urban and rural difference, multi-language barriers and so much more…

-"I don't know what the tears are for… Tears of sadness? Tears of happiness? Tears of joy? I don't know."-

New Zealand has always been one of the countries that I've always dreamed of coming to visit. Probably on top of my list together with France, Italy and England. So much of my life story is connected to NZ and I know that I need to explore it.

Living the dream. So blessed.

Staying here in NZ the last 2 weeks has shown me so much of what I have missed my whole life. Friends and family come over to study, have a holiday and some have even settled down in NZ. Only now when I'm ending my 20s I finally get a chance to live that dream of travelling here..

And after just 2 weeks, I know now why so many people choose to leave Malaysia. I can't blame them anymore. I myself feel so drawn. Thinking back; at this moment, I truly believe that ignorance IS bliss. Knowing about New Zealand but not experiencing is good to begin with but when experience enriches the mind with possibilities, you may end up wanting more. I used to be happy where I am and contented with what I have. Now all that runs through my mind is; "Is there more?"

Picture from here.

And this is where the pain comes. Family members on this side of the grassland is encouraging me to the point of pestering me (I know it’s a strong word but when many family members keep repeating it, it brings the same effect) to apply for a job here. To move here. To New Zealand. And you know what?

The selfish side of me REALLY WANTS TO.

So badly.

To have a life here. To run away from the bureaucracy and the red tapes in government procedures. To run away from all the heartaches that I have encountered and lived through in Malaysia. To start afresh.

Yet for EVERY time that I think of that, guilt fills me as well. I know that Malaysia needs me. I know that Sarawak; land I call home; needs me. And what makes this guilt worse is that I know that I have the expertise to make that difference no matter how small I am in the big scheme of things.

My thoughts then race back to Teach for Malaysia. I think of the kids and my heart aches. I think of how privilege I am (despite the lack of experiences) because of the education I had. I think of the organisation and what it is fighting for.. And I think…

And think.. And think... that I...

I shouldn't be selfish..

I should in fact give more..

Because I can..

Because I should..

As I go through this guilt trip of telling myself how selfish I am to have even think of such things while so many kids' rights are being trampled on, the "selfish" side of me emerges again and says:

"Yes, Sarah.. Yes you should give back. Yes you should help the kids of Malaysia. But think about it. You've been giving and giving all these years. You've always thought of the kids. You've always thought of your youth group… You've always thought of your family.. So many opportunities given up because responsibilities took over.. Obligations took over.. Maybe its time to take a break? Think of yourself for a bit? If you continue on like this, how long more can you keep this up?"

Objectively thinking about it, I really have been giving all that I am to others for many years. (I'm not exaggerating neither am I boasting.) However I could contribute, I helped out.  And I truly believe that all that I've done, WAS and STILL IS God's calling for me.

Then I think of how we need rest too so that we can rejuvenate and restore ourselves for the battle ahead and wonder.. Should I take a rest as well? Am I coming to the point of burn out?

But then I think of Jesus and how he did so much in the 3 years of ministry he had before he died on the cross. Did he stop? No. Did he ever stop thinking of us? No. Did he give his all? YES. All the time.

So at this point in time as I think of my journey I stop and think hard… "What Would Jesus Do?"

At the Rose Garden, Auckland.

What would he do indeed…

Moving on, where will my feet take me next? What footprints will I leave behind? What will my legacy be?

Ciao.

p.s.: For those who are going through tough life decisions, ALL THE BEST!. I know how you feel.

My Current State of Mind...

In the past year when people I know stumble upon my blog; one of the frequently asked question is:

"Why don't you blog more often? / Why do you blog so sparsely?"

Even the official photographer of my workplace (it was a pleasant surprise to find out that he reads my blog too :) ...) did ask me something similar too. It's a good question that got me thinking and till now, I'm still thinking why I don't blog more frequently. Don't get me wrong. I know the reason I blog, but as to the frequency, that is a question  that remains to be answered.

Maybe I'm too choosy with my blog posts and what I want to put up? Maybe I'm not naturally easily inspired? Maybe I haven't had time to reflect on life which then minimises the chances I have to get inspired. Honestly, I really don't know.

Photo from here

However, what I do know is:
#1) The process of my posts being created AND
#2) What I blog about speaks of what is in my heart. It speaks of what really matters to me.

An interesting blog I came across recently mentions that;

"A good post may take 3-5 hours when all is said and done."

Well for me, it takes longer... sometimes it takes days. Yeap. Call me a slow poke. I won't deny it.

Many may think that I churn out posts automatically and publish them once I've finished "ranting". Its more than that. For me personally, after writing the basic draft, it takes another 5 or more reads before I publish it. Each time that I re-read my post, its not so much for me to identify my grammar/spelling mistakes (sometimes even after all that reading, I still miss it...) but rather be on the look out for the emotion that the post should evoke. That means that each time I read my post, the impact on my emotions should still be the same.

So to my readers out there, THIS IS ME. This blog is me being vulnerable about what I truly feel.

That aside, in the last 3 months, I would like to apologise for my hiatus from the blogging world. Almost all my time was dedicated to work and the training of the next cohort to be sent out to schools. It was an intense 3 months but well worth it as I saw myself being pushed professionally and growing so much from the experience.

Ever since this post, I've moved on. There was one part that I mentioned:

"So for now, I'm choosing to let go. To let go of these dreams. If God were to fulfil them in the future; I will embrace them again. But right now, to move on I need to let go. I need to live in the moment and realise that maybe, just maybe; there are other dreams that I need to find first."

And letting go was exactly what I did.

Initially when I made that conscious decision, I felt like I was betraying my past and my dreams. There were many tears shed and many thoughts of still holding on to it even after "declaring" it in mypost. I knew that it was going to be tough letting go, but I realise now, just how hard it is.

But like every situation, there is a silver lining. A light at the end of the tunnel. In the 3 months of forced blogging sabbatical  letting go did me good. I DID find other dreams. Dreams that is becoming a reality. Dreams that I never thought I could dream of. Dreams I know that if I didn't let go when I did, would have passed me by.

So in the spirit of moving on with life, I want to celebrate all these new dreams that I have. I want to acknowledge them and take pride in them. So to 2013, as I embark on my life journey with new dreams and hopes, I look forward to the outcome when I get to achieve them. :)

Photo from here : Taking time to celebrate the little successes in life

That being said, moving on doesn't mean that I forget my old dreams, hopes and aspirations. On the contrary. I still look forward to "that time I can embrace my dreams again"; and when that time comes, I will be ready.

Here's to the future...

Ciao.

p.s.: To those who are learning to embrace new dreams and soar, let's continue to strive and never lose sight of the essence of who we are.

To Love and Serve

Going to a Convent School for 11 years did me lots of good :)

Photo from here

One thing I remember very well from those 11 years is the schools' moto; "Love and Serve". 3 words. So basic. So simple. Yet covers such a magnitude of life.

Looking at the life of Jesus on Earth, one cannot be blind to the importance of these 3 words.

1) He (Jesus) came down in the form of man and later in life was crucified, showed us mortals of his "unconditional Love". A Love so great that he would die for our Salvation from the bondages of sin even though we don't deserve it. (LOVE)

AND

2) With the disciples, Jesus showed a foreign concept of leadership. One that required the leader to serve the multitudes (remember how Jesus washed the feet of his disciples?). A Servant Leader. (SERVE)

"... and whoever wants to be first must be your slave- just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." Matthew 20:27-28

 As we are called to be imitators of God (Ephesians 5:1-2); how do we apply this in our lives? How do we "Love and Serve"?

With that in mind, I ask myself; What is God's will for my life? Where can I serve that matter the most and have the highest impact? What gift / talent did God give me? What is my passion in life? Is my passion in line with God's will? etc....

All these are tough questions which I can only begin to guess the accurate answer.

In regards to the present though as I continue to learn to define the questions above, "Love and Serve" brings to mind the young people. Specifically the Malaysian Youth.

"The Future of our Country and its Leaders lies in what we teach them today."

I've heard this phrase mentioned repeatedly and it puts into perspective the status of our youths today. Are they on a path towards becoming a true leader? Will any of them be able to carry the torch as the Prime Minister? Will they have the integrity to lead different Ministries in the government? Will they have pride and passion for our country that will make citizens of other countries jealous? Will they be the answer to a more stable Malaysia?

Serving for 4 years in the Education Ministry and now with a NGO that's involved in Education, i see so much need and gap; not just in the system but also in the lives of these kids. Gaps that by right should not even exist as every child should have an equal opportunity to a quality education.

Bringing it back to the title; what are we the adults of today showing our youth? How are we setting the example? Do we show them enough love, OR otherwise? Case in point, the crimes and social ills being reported by the media. Do we exude exemplary leadership traits, skills and beliefs? Do we show what it truly means to be a servant leader?

Thinking further into this matter makes me wonder. HOW in the world did we even get to this point? Can we change it? What can we do?

As for me, besides fighting education inequity in my work, I pray for the restoration of the young generation. I desire for a better Malaysia. I want to live in country that I can tell my children of how proud I am of it.

I'll end with the lyrics of a song from an Indonesian Gospel band; UX.

Bapa ku memohon

Pulihkan hati kami

Kembalikanlah hati bapa

Pada anaknya

Biarkan mereka

 Rasakan kasihMu

Kasih yang memulihkan

Bawalah mereka

Melihat kasihMu

KasihMU

Chorus:

Hatiku merindukan

Pemulihan generasi ini

Biar K'rajaan Mu dinyatakan

Di bumi seperti di surga

Every time I listen to this song, the first two lines of the chorus always strikes a cord with me. Indeed my heart desires to see the restoration of this generation. I hope that you too will truly want that.


Ciao.


p.s.:- To all those living to make a difference in the young, no matter what profession you are; I salute you. Thank you for your sacrifices and love for the kids. Thank you for showing that as a leader, we need to first serve.

When September Ends...

A new month has just begun. And this year for me, September started with a BANG! With the wedding of a lovely couple so precious to my heart :)

Wai Nyan and Melody, Congratulations! It was a beautiful wedding and am so glad I got to be witness to it. :)

Wai Nyan and Melody's wedding got me thinking about myself and how my love life is pretty much non-existent. To add salt to the wound, I'm turning 28 this month and have never been in a relationship before. Friends to my left and right are getting married and having children and I have yet to embark on that wonderful journey with my future husband. So days can get very lonely sometimes...

And sometimes during those lonely days, I talk to my gal pals and pour out my heart. Many of them end up saying; "Don't worry Sarah. Your time will come. The man will appear. Trust in God"

(Pic from 'Women after God' collection)

Don't get me wrong. I love all my girlfriends and know they mean well but sometimes to hear that statement over and over again pains me so much... Yes. I do trust in God's timing and till now I trust that my time will come when I get to met that man God has set aside for me. But deep inside there is also this doubting question that plays constantly in my head.. "What if..."

Many nights with that question in my head, I cry myself to sleep and just pray.. Sometimes I just cry.. I don't know what else to do.. 

(Pic from 'Women after God' collection)

Countless times people tell me never to give up but most of the time; giving up is EXACTLY how I feel. The exasperation of just waiting and wondering. The pain of seeing friends getting into serious relationships and moving on from there. The bitterness of wondering, "What's wrong with me? Am I that UN-lovable?"

I have never asked for much. Rather, simple wishes of a Christ-loving man and one that speaks English for communication purposes. People say that I'm too choosy. Yes, I only have 2 criteria and I know that no.1 on its own is difficult to find. However, its a choice that I choose to live with because when it comes to a life partner, compromising is that last thing I should do.

(Pic from 'Women after God' collection)

I've had so many advice come my way and  I've listened to all. One advice that I hold true to my heart came from a friend through a "bumper sticker" (do you still remember this facebook app?) that said "A woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her."

(Pic from 'Women after God' collection)

There are many other advice along the way too and they sounds similar to this: (I'm sure many of you have heard them before as well) -I may or may not agree to some and I understand should your stand be different as well. 

I want a man who not only loves me but he needs to love God first. For God has to be the centre of my relationship and the foundation that we build upon. (Pic from 'Women after God' collection)

And this:

Proverbs 31 has been quoted over and over again to remind girls of what a virtuous women should aim to be like. Definitely a tough list to follow. (Pic from 'Women after God' collection)

AND THIS:

Many times people tell me "God is still shaping you to be the right person for the man and vice versa" (Pic from 'Women after God' collection)

Sometimes too, I come across simple metaphors and take them to heart. Such as this:

"I've always had this picture in my head of me wearing a ballerina dress and twirling on God's palm. I don't remember how this image came about, but it is one vision that comforts me" (Pic from 'Women after God' collection)

Or this:

(Pic from 'Women after God' collection)

What I'm revealing and saying now is not easy for me to share as I have held all these dear to my heart, but I know that there comes a time that I must learn to let go. I've been holding on to the dream of meeting that one guy for the longest time. I've been hoping on that thought that I will get to have children of my own one day. I've been safeguarding the hope that one day, all these desires will come to be. But right now, the longer I keep them, the more painful it seems to be...

(Pic from 'Women after God' collection)

So for now, I'm choosing to let go. To let go of these dreams. If God were to fulfill them in the future; I will embrace them again. But right now, to move on I need to let go. I need to live in the moment and realise that maybe, just maybe; there are other dreams that I need to find first.

(Pic from 'Women after God' collection)

Therefore from now until that time I can embrace my dreams again, I will have to learn to delight myself in the Lord. Seek first His Kingdom and His Righteousness... 

(Pic from 'Women after God' collection)

*********************

 As this month starts with a bang, not the same can be said when my birthday rolls around at the end of the month...

* I will officially be a year older
* My love life will most probably still be non existent; AND
* This journey of self discovery (with God walking me through) is still going to be painful.

(Pic from 'Women after God' collection)

HOWEVER,

* I will still trust in the Lord in His timing and hope that the man God intended for me is just around the corner. (even though many times I feel like giving up on that hope).
* I will also continue to Praise the Lord and give thanks for His goodness and faithfulness in my life.

(Pic from 'Women after God' collection)

All this;

When September ends......



Ciao.

p.s.: Here's to all who has gone through the same rough patch, or are going through it. I understand.