Phenomenal Woman

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen." - Elisabeth Kübler-Ross - 

As a continuous effort to learn to love myself more , I'm typing this post up to remind myself that I AM A PHENOMENAL WOMAN. :)

The poem below by Maya Angelou is perfect in describing the true beauty of women and how as a whole package, each and every one of us are phenomenal. I chose to type the whole poem out instead of copy & pasting because I wanted to make this post worth it.

So here's to being a more confident, courageous and captivating woman!

As I grow up, I realise reflecting on life and learning from it is an important posture to emulate. It is often during reflection that God speaks the loudest to me as well.

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PHENOMENAL WOMAN

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.

I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size

But when I start to tell them,

They think I'm telling lies.

I say,

It's in the reach of my arms,

The span of my hips,

The stride of my step,

The curl of my lips.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

I walk into a room

Just as cool as you please,

And to a man,

The fellows stand or

Fall down on their knees.

Then they swarm around me,

A hive of honey bees.

I say,

It's the fire in my eyes,

And the flash of my teeth,

The swing in my waist,

And the joy in my feet.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

Men themselves have wondered

What they see in me.

They try so much

But they can't touch

My inner mystery.

When I try to show them

They say they still can't see.

I say,

It's in the arch of my back,

The sun of my smile,

The ride of my breasts,

The grace of my style.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

Now you understand

Just why my head's not bowed.

I don't shout or jump about

Or have to talk real loud.

When you see me passing

It ought to make you proud.

I say,

It's in the click of my heels,

The bend of my hair,

the palm of my hand,

The need of my care,

'Cause I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

- Maya Angelou -

Ciao.

p.s.: To all the women out there, cheers. We're all phenomenal in our own way. :)

Sufficient Grace

"My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever." - Psalm 73:26 -

One event after another these past few days, have triggered so much sadness within me. Because of all these triggers, unresolved issues from the past are also arising and right now I'm just overwhelmed with such a heavy heart. I allowed myself to dwell in those emotions for a bit and I remember. I remember all the pain that I have gone through from before and it is very humbling.

All the anger.

All the bitterness.

All the sorrow.

All the pain.

All the sadness.

All the disappointments.

All the fear.

I allowed it.. Just for a moment.. And just for a moment, I hated myself again.

Going down this road was so familiar and I realise I had to snap out of this. Snap out of it and STEP out of it.

And in the ugliness of the moment God reminded me of a long forgotten song.

"Hold, me close let Your love surround me,
Bring me near draw me to Your side,
And as I wait, I'll rise up like the eagle,
And I will soar with you, your Spirit leads me on,
In the power of Your love."

********************

Heavenly Father,

Forgive me. My flesh is weak but in my weakness, Your strength is made perfect. Lord, help me learn to keep relying on Your Grace for it is sufficient for me. Even as I continue on this journey to know you more, in moments like this, don't let me go. Remind me Lord, of the Love that you gave on that cross.

Your Grace is sufficient for me.

Amen.

Ciao.

p.s.: To all, God Grace is sufficient for us. As much as I still have to comprehend about this, slowly but surely God is revealing His unending mercy in my life.

Tribute to An Inspiring Teacher

County Kerry, Ireland. Home of Brother Albinus. Picture sourced from here.

Today I'm reminded of my high school days. One filled with laughter and lots of hope. A life that has been inspired by many around me.

Today, one of those inspirations has gone to be with the Lord. One who knew his purpose in life and even better; what God's will was for his life.

Today, Sarawak lost a beautiful treasure. One who has touched many lives and impacted generations of students. A life that gave wholeheartedly to educating the less privileged.

********************

Brother Albinus. Photo sourced from here.

English
In all honesty, I did not have much contact time with Brother Albinus while I was in high school. My only time of pupilage under him was English Tuition classes and that was once a week for only a few months in Form 5.

Yet with that little time spent learning from him, I have been impacted immensely. Through his English classes my style of writing changed. I learned to engage the reader better with more fluidity in my writing. Much of what my writings are today have been influenced by his teaching in those few months.


Bible Knowledge
Writing was just part of his impact in my life. A greater impact came when I became a teacher. You see, Brother Albinus was one of the most sought after Bible Knowledge (BK) teachers in Kuching. His reverence towards God's Word, his attention to details in answering the BK questions and his dedication to pushing his students to excellence and demanding nothing less than the best was what produced top scoring students in BK and beyond the achievement piece, gave credibility to the subject in the SPM landscape.

After BK class. Captured by my student :)

When I was given the responsibility to head the BK subject in Green Road, I knew I had to step up. Having been Brother Albinus' student before, I knew how strict I needed to be in teaching God's Word and how much I needed to demand of my students. Every time I stepped into my BK class, besides God as my guidance, I always set my standards against that of Brother Albinus.

Choosing to set that expectation on myself paid off. God blessed me and my students with good results during the years of my teaching.

********************

So today when I saw posts on Facebook on the demise of this great teacher, I knew I had to somehow pay tribute to his impact in my life; and the best way that I knew how was to give what he taught me best: WRITING.

So here's to you Brother Albinus. Thank you for being such an inspiration to not just me, but MANY MANY others. You've set the bar high in so many ways and left a legacy that leave many wanting.

Here's to seeing your impact grow beyond the people you have touched.

[NOTE: To those who do not know him, here's a write up about him from our local paper; the Borneo Post.]

Ciao.

p.s.: Here's to all, whose lives have been touched by Brother Albinus. He's in a better place now. :)

Ramblings of the heart...

Tomorrow marks the one month point of the bus ride to Sibu for #missionKatibas. I never expected my life to change so much but it did.

My priorities have changed and realigned. Love forgotten came back to life and now I don't know what I want or God wants for my future. As I continue searching and have been searching in the last month questions and uncertainties constantly float around in my head and I don't know how best to express it except through heartfelt tears crying out to God Almighty for guidance.

Right now, I want nothing more than to be in Sarawak. I want nothing more than to be with loved ones. I want nothing more than to serve back home. But the other question quickly rises up as well. "Is this what God wants for you?"

I honestly don't know.

But no matter what, I know God's timing is perfect. And I put my hope in you, O Lord.

********************

YESUS KAU BESAR

Dalam setiap langkahku    (Every step I take)

Dan hembusan nafasku    (and breath I take)

Kau ada di sini    (You are here)

Hatiku pun bersyukur atas kebaikan-Mu    (My heart praise your goodness)

Dan kemurahan-Mu    (and Your mercy)

Kuletakkan harapan    (I put my hope)

Hanya dalam nama-Mu    (only in your name)

Yesus Kau Besar    (Jesus you are mighty/big)

Kuasa-Mu ajaib    (You are powerful)

Janji-Mu setia, untuk selamanya   (You are forever faithful)

Yesus Kau Besar    (Jesus you are mighty/big)

Kasih-Mu nyata    (Your love is true)

Kau ditinggikan untuk selamanya    (You are lifted forevermore)

Selamanya    (Forevermore)

#missionKatibas : Nehemiah's Heart

It was a beautiful sight to behold. :) An amazing banner to welcome us which could be seen from afar (like really far....)!

Almost a month back I finally got to go on a trip that had been in talks for the longest time. When I met up with Jarod in December last year, he pitched how he wanted to work on bringing outsiders to visit his school and give his kids the exposure that they severely need (this is true for MANY schools in rural areas).

I knew I had to grab this opportunity before he gets a transfer out. One thing led to another and finally #missionKatibas happened! :)

[NOTE: For details of the trip and what happened, click on this link.]

"There will come a time in your life when you meet like-minded people who get you & share your ideals. When you meet people like these, the only natural thing to do is collaborate & see where it takes you. It usually leads to surprisingly amazing moments which touches the hearts of those who experience it first hand & even those who hear the stories. From there, the possibilities are infinite. This is merely the beginning of more great things to come."

                                                                                        - Jarod Yong, #missionKatibas -  

The words of Jarod are perfect in summarising how I (and I'm sure my whole team too) felt about the whole trip. There were AMAZING heart warming moments and even other people after hearing our stories are moved by it.

A church friend was moved by the testimony the pictures brought on Facebook :D

A Sarawakian TFM Fellow was inspired by the tweets and pictures of #missionKatibas :)

Taking on the task of this trip was not an easy one to begin with. From finding people to come with me to preparing for the sessions, took months to prepare for and needed pre-work from both sides of parties involved. Going into details would show the logistical nightmare but for this monumental life experience blogpost, I'm choosing instead to write from the perspective of lessons that I learned from it. :)  So, here goes!!

*******#missionKatibas********

Lesson #1 (Twitter) - forgive the typo... too excited

Let me clarify. I'm a planner (for most things in life). I like knowing details ahead of time so that mitigation steps or Plan Bs can be planned for as well. And for a trip as big as this, planning was VITAL. Initial plans saw me expecting 10 - 15 people. It was going to be big. But one by one people pulled out because they couldn't commit to the trip due to work demands or other things cropping up. Frustration was my friend throughout the planning stages, right till the week before the travels when one last member pulled out but PRAISE GOD, He had a replacement all along.

Logistics aside, finally the team that came with me were Trish and Sonia (from the beginning they said yes and stuck with me. I LOVE YOU girls!), Wai Leem (when I pitched the idea to him he jumped on it) and Esther (she was the last minute replacement and an answer to MANY prayers!)

The Final #missionKatibas team : (L-R) Trish, Sonia, Wai Leem, Esther - such a good looking team =)

Another part to where this lesson was learnt was during the execution of the sessions. 3 sessions altogether and one youth service in 2 days was no joke. Planning was fine and most of the prep was done. Yet with ALL that planning, many things were changed or added. I've never had to do so much impromptu stuff for sessions before. But God proved me again and again how if we just learn to rely on Him, learn to lean on Him and learn to just TRUST Him; He's got things covered. And for that, I AM GRATEFUL. (It helped too that my team was AMAZING and quick on their feet) :)

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Lesson #2 (Twitter)

The average age of the #missionKatibas team is about 24 years. That's young!! And to think we could have potentially made a difference in the lives of 400+ kids is very humbling. Its such an encouragement to see my team mates stepping up to the challenges in running the sessions. Here are some breakdowns.

1) Esther (baby of the group):- shared her testimony in BM and helped lead groups in big sessions.
2) Wai Leem (the other baby of the group):- shared his testimony TWICE, help lead groups in big sessions and led Praise and Worship for youth service, played guitar for me TWICE (testimony and presentation)
3) Sonia:- Did the main sharing for the kids during youth service, led groups in big sessions, took amazing photos and edited the graduation photos
4) Trish:- Led the games for youth service, led groups in big sessions, took many many amazing photos, and edited the graduation photos

The view from stage of the youth service on Wednesday night. :) [Look at al those beautiful faces of God's Children]

What we did at SMK Katibas was small, but with God small does not matter. Matthew 17:20 teaches us that "....if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." And for whatever little that we give, we have faith that a seed has been planted and will one day blossom beautifully. :)

"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity".
                                                                                                              -1 Timothy 4:12-

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Lesson #3 (Twitter)

There are 5 people whom I pay tribute to in this tweet.

1. SONIA: Being much junior from me in church and growing up, I have to admit I never was very close to her till she started helping out in the youth. Through those years, as I was given the privilege of leading youth, I saw her grow not just in maturity but also into a friend and a strong confidant. :) Very much unexpected indeed was this friendship, but one that is very much treasured.
2. TRISH: Just recently both of us tried to pin point a time when we started getting close and we both drew a blank. Hahaha!! I first met Trish when we both volunteered on Doulos (sister ship of Logos Hope) for 2 weeks but beyond that as to how the relationship develop? No IDEA... :) But one thing is for sure, I'd rather not know how this friendship grew than to not have Trish as such a wonderful thought partner in our daily devotions. Thank you Trish.
3. WAI LEEM: This one is an interesting one. :D I'm actually friends first with his eldest brother who is my batch. And Wai Leem is pretty much a whole generation younger than me so to be able to have seen him when he was a kid and now serving alongside me is a pleasant surprise that I am proud to be witness of.
4. ESTHER: Among all 5 mentioned here, Esther's friendship would be the least unexpected. Having seen her grow up from Secretary to President of Youth and teaching her in school (Bio and Bible Knowledge); having her here on the trip makes it a beautiful transition from teenager to adulthood and I'm glad I'm part of it.
5. JAROD: Now, this friendship is the most random of them all. :) I found Jarod's blog while surfing teacher blogs and from there followed his twitter account. I probably would have never found it if not for a Fellow sharing another teacher's blogpost on our facebook group. So for what its worth, TFM is the reason this friendship and #missionKatibas could even happen. Jarod, although I've just only known you for a year, I thank God that our lives crossed paths and thank you for all that you've done that has inspired me and many others.

And finally, two worlds meet. :D

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Lesson #5 (Twitter)

Ever since I studied my PGDE (Post Graduate Diploma of Education), I've always wanted to teach in the interior. I knew from little snippets and experience in my dad's village that I would have enjoyed life teaching in rural Sarawak. But things were not meant to be as my dad's conditioned worsened and my posting form was filled with appeals to be near home.

I got what I wanted and was blessed to have spent the last 4 months of my dad's life being near him. Even if it meant giving up on that dream; it was worth it.

But God remembers. :') He remembers my desires and answered my prayers and dream in the most unexpected way. I am BLESSED.

"Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart." -Psalm 37:4-

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Lesson #4 (Twitter)

There is purpose in me putting this Lesson last. This is because it is the strongest lesson from my trip. It didn't hit me till a few days later while having conversations with a friend in my car on the way to a school visit. I was telling her how lately, every time I come home to Kuching, I find it so much harder to leave and depart back to Work-land (KL). That the only thing that makes me walk onto the plane is my job and my love for the people in TFM.

Honestly, its really lonely here where life just pasts you by and you sit in your home reading of all the amazing/fun/lively things your friends are doing back home. Building strong friendships here is difficult too because everyone is so caught up in the rat race to be the richest/fastest/smartest person. Rarely do I find people who will stop for a while, look around and make the best of that moment.

I continued the conversation mentioning how when I first got the TFM job, I couldn't wait to get out of Kuching and now I'm at the point where I just want to go home.

And then she ask me the question that I needed to hear:

"So do you know now, WHY you left?"

I paused.

I realised that I DO KNOW that answer.

I started tearing up and said: "YES... I do... I left because I needed to find out if I loved Sarawak."

And now 1 1/2 years later, I know I do. I TRULY do. And everyday I long for home. Everyday, I long for the people at home. Everyday, I long for a better Sarawak.

Which is why I titled my post as such. This trip has reminded me of Nehemiah and how he longs for his homeland Jerusalem. It reminded me of Nehemiah's heart. Although not mentioned explicitly, the actions that he took in Chapter 1 are obvious.

Hanani, one of my brothers, came from Judah with some other men, and I questioned them about the Jewish remnant that had survived the exile, and also about Jerusalem. They said to me, "Those who survived the exile and are back in the province are in great trouble and disgrace. The wall of Jerusalem is broken down, and its gates have been burned with fire." When I heard this things, I sat down and wept.   - Nehemiah 1:2-4 -

And just as Nehemiah was passionate about Jerusalem, I too feel the same way about Sarawak. There is so much potential back home and growth needed and I want to be a part of it. Having this chance to teach the kids in SMK Katibas reminded me of why I taught in the first place and just as I suspected, would make me regret my decision to leave the teaching force.

View of the school from the Katibas river.

At the end of the trip, I left the school jetty, looking towards the school with tear-filled eyes, beating myself inside on this GRAND (and grave) mistake that I made.

However, conversations with Wai Leem later helped me realise that even though it may seem like a mistake, as a teacher in the public school I probably would never have had the chance to visit these kids and THAT is NO MISTAKE on God's part.

Which again, reminds me of Lesson #1: God knows the plans he has for us. :)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future..."    -Jeremiah 29:11-

God knew from the very beginning. He knew and he heard. :')

*******#missionKatibas*******

So I leave this post thinking again of all that happened during those Amazing three days in PARADISE.

I leave this post being reminded of God's faithfulness in my life (and many others);

and I leave this post knowing that I've fallen in love once again, with my Sarawak.

There are no better words then the yellow words and the smiles on our faces to sum it all. :')

Ciao.

p.s.: To my #missionKatibas team and those who are moved by the stories, here's to many more amazing visits!

p.p.s.: To the Project X+ team, keep up the amazing work you are doing among the kids. Let's all work together to make SMK Katibas an exemplary school!

Butterfly Kisses

[ NOTE: This post was supposed to be published slightly after Father's Day (18 June 2013)... Updates were since added on ]

***************

It is a well known fact among those who know me that I love and miss my late Father very much. And it shouldn't come as a surprise why I'm writing a post for Father's Day (albeit it being a few days late).

The photo that inspired this post. Here's the facebook version

The photo above (right) was taken on my way to a school visit on the 11th of June. It reminded me of my archived photo on the left and how different the sky looked. Although both photos showed a different scenario, I realised that there is a constant in my life. God.

As I was driving along this stretch the radio station played the song Butterfly Kisses by Bob Carlisle. I've always loved this song and always tear up when it reaches this part:

"Gave me butterfly kisses, with her mama there,
Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair,
"Walk me down the aisle, Daddy-it's just about time."
"Does my wedding gown look pretty, Daddy? Daddy, don't cry"
Oh, with all that I've done wrong I must have done something right. 

To deserve her love every morning and butterfly kisses
I couldn't ask God for more, man this is what love is.
I know I gotta let her go, but I'll always remember
Every hug in the morning and butterfly kisses...

From previous post like this you'll understand why I tear up. However, listening to this song and thinking of Father's Day got me asking; "Will Daddy be proud of me of where I am today?"

At that point I stopped my thoughts and asked myself a much harder question:

"Will  I  be proud of where I am today?"

Asking that got me to really reflect on what I've done in the past 1 1/2 years living in KL, after moving away from my comfort zone of home, family and friends.

As I continued driving, I tried answering THE looming question over my head...

And after the long journey ended, I realised that I actually had an answer (yay!) and here's it is: -

***************

Ever since this post where I decided to let go of my biggest dream, I updated in another post how that was the best decision for me then. This sentiment stands true till today. Why?

#1: Dream of Travelling beyond the borders of Malaysia.

Because I took that bold step of letting go, many other dreams that I've forgotten begun to surface again and one by one came true. In January of this year, I went to New Zealand (pictures) a country I've dreamt of going for many many many years. In February, I had the chance to attend a Teach for All Synergies conference in New Delhi, India and see the b-e-a-utiful Taj Mahal upclose; and in March, I went on a fun, fun trip to Phuket, Thailand and just relaxed at the beach.

This photo ended up looking so nice. I'm happy. On top of Mt. Victoria, Auckland with such a stunning view.

Ah, the Taj Mahal. A symbol of love. Need I say more? :)

I'm not a professional photographer but with my little point-n-shoot camera, I love creating memories. :)

#2: Personal Goals

In the beginning of the year, my Head of Training made us list down our goals for the year. I never really took things like this seriously but this year I thought, why not? And so I did. And these were the goals I chose.

i) Join a dance/music class

Recently I've joined a Capoeira class which was introduced to me by my CEO and another TFM colleague. I didn't really fancy it at first but a few weeks back I won a lucky draw during a pot luck event and had no choice but to go. 

And after the first class, I was HOOKED. I loved it! It had music AND dance elements in it. Brilliant! 

Personal Goal #1: CHECKED!

Because I came back the next day to work talking about it, the next class a few other TFMers decided to join me. So fun! (Photos are Dzameer's)

Before Class: All pumped up!

After class: Defeated with blisters...

 ii) Visit rural schools in East Malaysia on my trips back (one Sarawak, one Sabah)

This one I knew going in was going to be a tough one. And even now, I don't think I'm able to do the Sabah trip due to time constraints at work. However, thanks to Jarod Yong (teacher extrodinaire) the Sarawak trip was a success!! Just 3 weeks ago I had the chance to achieve this goal and live the dream of teaching in a rural area.

Take a look at Jarod's write-up (pictures, my  response)on the amazing 4 days my team and I had at SMK Katibas. Terima Kasih, Cikgu!

So for 2013 to the best of my ability, I would have to say: 

Personal Goal #2: CHECKED! (Will still try work on Sabah rural school)

The moment where everything is centred and all feels right is when I'm doing what I love. Besides dancing and music, teaching is what I love; and this photo sums it all.

iii) Learn to love myself more

As tough as #2 was I knew choosing to go with #3 as a personal goal was tougher. So many of my insecurities that I grew up with I knew I have yet to face. And by choosing this, I knew I had to muster the courage to face them; to which I did, but gradually. 

A breakthrough happen in March when I finally realised that I AM beautiful despite all the horrible statements I've heard growing up and how I will never measure up.

Consciously thinking of how I can continue loving myself more, I decided to splurge on pampering myself a little. One of which was to dye my hair signalling a new beginning.

One of my favourite photos showing my newly dyed hair (of course because mom's in it too) :).

Another initiative I'm taking is to consciously eat healthy. This has been going on for the past 3 months and results are showing! One of my side goals folded in this goal was achieved last week! [Disclaimer: I'm not doing this to lose weight; rather, I'm doing this because I want to love my body and treat it as it deserves]

Side goal achieved! And YES. I'm telling the world! Have had this dress since last year and told myself that I will one day be able to wear it.

 Finally, 2 days ago I had another breakthrough but for this, I'm choosing to keep it silent for now till I'm ready to tell, but it's created so much freedom within me that I just want to stand on a mountain top and scream Hallelujah!

 Reflecting on all the above, I'd say  

Personal Goal #3: HALF-CHECKED. There is still half a year left for me to continue learning to love myself more! And I look forward to seeing how much more I'll grow from this journey :)

#3: Professional Goal

One of my Professional Goal states: "To Lead sessions (minimum 3) throughout the year (Sessions beyond Super Saturday) to push me"

This is my updated list:

• Fab Friday: Global Teaching Summit 2013 (India) - done for TFM staff [April]
• Fab Friday (Twin Edition): Diversity, Community and Achievement (DCA) - done for TFM staff [June]
• How to learn Biology the Fun Way - SMK Seri Setia (formerly known as SMK Bandar Kuching No.2) [June]
• The Teresian Legacy by Teach for Malaysia - SMK St Teresa [July]
• PMR Motivation Session: Multiple Intelligence - SMK Katibas [July]
• SPM Motivation Session: My Life So Far - SMK Katibas [July]

God has been amazing in opening so many doors for me to grow in this area. Looking at this list, I'm proud that I've achieved this goal but I know I shouldn't stop there. Making new sessions has always helped me improve and I plan to continue doing so.

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Regressing back to my thought in the car; "Will I be proud of where I am today?"

I smile, and I say: YES.

Just being able to say that to myself and now choosing to declare it publicly is another point in life I am proud of. My Personal Goal #3's list will keep growing and I'm honestly excited.

I realise now how much my insecurities have held me back so many times and this time I'm making my stand to say: ENOUGH.

I am proud of myself and will keep reminding myself through posts like this of who I am. As for Daddy, I can only imagine that my he will be proud of me just like how Bob Carlisle sings of how proud he is of his daughter.

So, here's to many more Butterfly Kisses moments in life. I'll end this post with the words I wrote to accompany the photo (top) that inspired this post:

June 17, 2013.
Here is a stretch of road that I usually take to visit my school in N.9. 

This time round, I remembered a photo I took on September 7th last year. The skies were blue and reminded me of God's promises in my life. 

This time round, the skies were a far cry from the clear blue sky that it was in my last photo. Rain threatened to fall and gloom hovered above my car. 

YET... 

This time round, I realise that it's been almost 1 1/2 years since I embarked on this journey and God is still faithful. That through clear skies and dark skies God has been my refuge. 

Thank you LORD for your faithfulness in my life. 

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." -Deuteronomy 31:8 -

Ciao.

p.s.: To those who are on the journey to discovering yourself, let's toast to life!

p.p.s.: Happy Father's Day, daddy. I miss you. :')


[ NOTE: Reason for the delay of this post was the need to get over my internal debate of whether it was worth it. I realised that I needed to because this story of triumph will help others who are going through the same journey. So here it is! God Bless!]

Kar'na SalibMu (Because of Your Cross)

VERSE 1:

Hanya Kau Tuhan di hidupku,    (Only you Lord in my life)

Kau berikan hidup yang baru,    (You give new life)

Darah-Mu menyucikan pulihkan hatiku,    (Your blood cleanses and heal my heart)

Kunyatakan Kaulah s'galanya    (I declare that You are everything) 

VERSE 2:

Engkaulah sumber pengharapan,   (You are the source of hope)

Kuasa-Mu sanggup menyembuhkan    (Your power gives healing)

Jiwaku pun berserah hanya kepada-Mu,    (My soul is given to you O Lord)

Yesus Kaulah segalanya    (Jesus, You are everything) 

CHORUS:

Kar'na salib-Mu ku hidup,    (Because of Your Cross, I live)

Kar'na salib-Mu ku menang,    (Because of Your Cross, I win)

Engkau yang berkuasa,    (You are the Almighty)

Sanggup 'tuk melakukan mujizat-Mu,    (Making/Giving Your miracles)

Di hidupku.    (In my life)

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When I first heard this song I remember playing it over and over again. Ever since then, I have somewhat forgotten about it till a tweet from the Main Singer, Sidney Mohede came on my tweet feed. :)

So here I am back again in that phase listening to this song and being reminded of God's Unconditional Love for me. That although born a sinner, still chosen to be His daughter. Thank you Lord for your Grace, Mercy and Faithfulness in my life.

Ciao.

p.s.: To those who find this song encouraging. I hear you. :)

My Hope... My Malaysia...

Negaraku...

The weeks surrounding this year's elections (GE13) got me writing a few posts on facebook and also giving feedback for my friend's article. :) As sometime has passed since, I thought I'd just gather all the writings into one place so that it is easier for my reference in the future. :) Here goes!

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Article #1

Question: Why are you coming back to vote and what are your hopes for Malaysia?

Why I'm coming back to vote.
- Many times as citizens of this country, we feel we have the right to complain. Why? Because we are living it. The reality of things. We say of many things that are not good and give 10 opinions on why it is not good and what should be done about it. For all that we as Malaysians are "voicing" our dissatisfaction to thin air, this is one time, where our voice does matter. Our right to vote should be exercised so that we choose the right leaders to lead our country. So that these leaders will represent the ideal that we want. Don't go running amok with complaints if you yourself have not chosen to use that voice to vote. This is the one chance I get to use my voice where it matters, and I'm choosing to use it for a better Malaysia.

Hopes for Malaysia?
- I truly believe that Malaysia has what it takes to make a mark on the world. We have some of the brightest minds, the most passionate people and the coolest cultures in the world. I want Malaysia not to be known just for what she is but what she CAN be. Beyond that, I want Malaysians to know that Malaysia deserves a shot. That no matter where they are, there is this sense of belonging to our homeland. A sense of pride from where we come from. Pride that is so deep you want to give back to help build the next generation.

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Article #2

Question: What are your views on unity. (For the campaign: Kamilah Malaysia)

"Kamilah Malaysia.

Reading these 2 words brings to mind the 3 Musketeers. "All for one, and one for all" was their famous tag line and has been extensively used throughout the world.

In Malaysia, we need UNITY. Unity because of different backgrounds, different races, different tribes. When I mention unity I do not mean that we all become robots and churn out the same answer and have the same belief, but rather in within unity there is a need for humility, a need for respect, a need for understanding and a need for tolerance.

We need to be united. We can't afford as a nation to have a future that is divided. With what I've witnessed in the last few weeks leading up to the election, I hope the people of Malaysia will continue to clothe ourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. I hope that we will bear with each other and forgive one another. I hope that over all these virtues, we put on love, which will bind it all in perfect unity.

Coming back to my unity, when I think of it; I think of the 3 musketeers; where "All Malaysians are for every individual who call themselves Malaysians and every individual who calls him/herself Malaysian for all Malaysians.

"All for one, and one for all".

Kamilah Malaysia."

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Article #3

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Facebook #1: 6th May 2013

"BLACK. Not because I've lost my hope in Malaysia.
BLACK. Not because Malaysia is dead.
BLACK. Because I believe there is still hope.
BLACK. Because yesterday was a very dirty day but I acknowledge it. 

And I choose not to give up."

This was written a day after the elections and many were sad to see the amount of injustice during the whole day. I wrote this because many were assuming that those who chose to blacken their profile picture meant that they gave up on Malaysia. On the contrary, some of the most passionate people I know who live and breathe Malaysia were the ones changing their pictures. It wasn't a sign on giving in. It was a sign of disappointment and their promise to see a better Malaysia.

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Facebook #2: 27th April 2013

The People are Tired. The Rakyat has had enough.

Had a nice time with Christine Lim this morning and not surprisingly, our topics of discussion revolved around the upcoming elections. Just before that, I bought a Star newspaper because I haven't in a long time. What shocked me was not so much that news was very pro-government. What shocked me was the advertisement that "MCA" published to ruin DAP. And it wasn't just a simple press statement or maybe a black and white page. NOPE. It was a 6 full blown coloured pages of tax payer's money that I personally felt had very disrespectful messages. To add to that, they even pull out the racial card.

What happened to the 1Malaysia stance that you so boldly speak about? Yet in campaign messages you show the opposite? Why ask us to vote for UNITY when you do not live it? Where is the integrity in that?

After the meet up, saw this video online. So heart breaking. BUT what made it great was to see Malaysians coming together to voice their concerns. Not just in Malaysia itself, but throughout the world. :)

My fellow countrymen,

Whether here or abroad, your voices during Bersih 3.0 made the world notice our small country.

People are watching. They're listening and on May 5th, they'll be waiting...

Each of you have a voice. Each of you have the right to speak up and to use that voice. Don't waste this opportunity.

Get up and Go VOTE.

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This is my Hope.

This is my Malaysia.

Ciao.

p.s.: To all Malaysians, just as your heart beats for this country, so does mine.

5 years since...

Photo sourced from here

15 April 2008.

The day I could not be Daddy's Little Girl anymore...

I miss you very much daddy. :') Very very much...

Photo sourced from here

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The years looking after daddy were some of the most trying years as all of us had to juggle that and either school, work or studies.. Time pretty much stopped where we couldn't go far beyond the boundaries of Kuching and me being the one that pushed it the furthest with short trips to KL/Penang.

Yet, when I look back at those times, I only remember Joy and Love. Never once did bitterness creep into my memories and I believe it was then that my family were the closest with each other. :')

Asking myself, if I could turn back time, would I change a thing (and if I had the power to heal sickness as well). My answer would come quickly with a "NO".

Why?

Because, it was those trying times that pushed me to GROW. It was those trying times that pushed me to LOVE; and it was those trying times that pushed me to LIVE.

There is nothing else to do but to thank God above for the wonderful memories that He has allowed me to create with my awesome daddy. Thank you Heavenly Father for your love that enveloped my family in those hard times. It was because of Your Love that we were able to love each other.

I'll end this post with part of the lyrics from the song "It is well"...

But Lord, 'tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul.

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This section is  tribute to daddy and to show a glimpse of the man that he was. My Hero. :)

1) A post on the Malay Mail's article.

2) Even when he fell sick, dad would faithfully go to church and encouraged the whole family to do the same.

3) A write up about the Borneo Post publication on my father's story (written when he was much younger and very healthy - trying to source the original story from a friend now)

4) Proof of my dad's achievement :) (scroll down to Javelin section).

5) From the perspective of an outsider who unexpectedly becomes a friend. Thank you Larry!

6) The article written by daddy's close friend.

7) An archive of my blog remembering daddy fondly.

8) This was the sport he loved and did well in :)

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I Love You, Daddy.

Captivating Beauty

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable then they?" 

Matthew 6:26

Many times in my life I've heard this verse, read it and shared it. Yet every time I read this verse I ask myself. Am I truly that valuable? What kind of value do I have? Do I deserve to be called valuable?

So, Why this post? It all starts with this book:

For my 26th Birthday, I received this book from 2 precious friends...  What I never expected though was the journey that this book took me through over the next 2 1/2 years...

Although the book may have stirred up some controversy, I took the essence of it and realise that I was broken. That I was beaten down. That I allowed myself to think I was never good enough and never measured up.

Yes, I was WRONG. I know that now.

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Growing up, I somehow had this seed planted (I don't know the origin of this belief or why I feel that way) that the one thing I lack in life is beauty. I felt that because I lack it, no one will ever like me truly and many people are friends with me out of pity (hence the questions on values).

I have always found it so easy to see other people as such beautiful creations of God. Yet, when it came to myself I always thought that God somehow missed out. That he somehow forgot the ISO quality check on me or that I somehow slipped through. I look at my handsome father and I look at my gorgeous mother and then I question "what happened to me?!". My brother fits the bill of good looks and I'm just a sad excuse of a life.

To make matters worse, I  was called a pig before (to be exact; Primary 6). And after sometime with all this within me, I  accepted such words as good descriptions of me. I felt that I deserved it because I don't look like my pretty friends. I'm not typically "small"(Big arms, big thighs, big butt, big face, etc...), I have a flat nose (where everyone talks about having "hidung" mancung), I am relatively loud when I laugh (have been told many times that I'm unladylike when I laugh loudly - yet people always say, we should laugh sincerely and heartily) and I have always (literally.. from birth) been on the heavy side (looking for clothes/hearing people talk about their weight when they are WAAAY lighter than me always make me hate myself even more)

Don't get me wrong. I lived a very blessed life. I was (and still am) surrounded by those who love me.

People have CONSISTENTLY told me that I am beautiful, That I am awesome. That they wished I could see what they saw. And every time that happens, I would smile and say thank you yet deep inside I always wondered, were those just words of kindness? Were those words said just to make me happy? Surely, someone as horrible as me could never deserve such praise.

Encouraging words said many times but could never fully appreciate them... 

So what was the best solution in my mind when I felt undeserving of such praise?

I worked harder.

I worked to perfect me as a person without realising the little successes that I had. And because I didn't celebrate my achievements, I craved for acknowledgement. I made a mental note in my head that because I can never measure up in physical terms for what it means to be "beautiful", I will measure up in terms of life's achievements.

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ power may rest on me."

2 Corinthians 12:9

"So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them." 

 Genesis 1:27

I know that by stating all this, has proven me to be a hypocrite. I say that I believe in Christ Jesus and in my weakness his power is made perfect. Yet, here I was trying to perfect myself, fighting this ugly battle within myself all on my own. I professed I believe in Christ Jesus and yet here I was cursing myself with such horrible words and thoughts when I was created in the image of God...

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Back to the book.

Thank you Jacob and Jaime for such a lovely book that challenged me in so many ways. (Even though the date is wrong.. I forgive you.. :P )

I started reading this book (Captivating) in 2010. The first 3 chapters were really good and kept me glued to it. I learnt many things and looked forward to finishing the book fast. Then Chapter 4 came along.

"Chapter 4: WOUNDED"

In this chapter, I was challenged to acknowledge my wounds. To look at my past and come to terms with it. To allow myself to feel the pain and grief that I had gone through all my years.

I read through the first few pages and my eyes were swollen from the tears that kept coming down. I couldn't put myself through it. It was too painful. I got scared and put the book down. And for many months, I refused to pick it up. Every time I saw the cover I cringed and remember the pain, the bitterness against myself and how ugly I truly believe I was.

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Fast forward 2 1/2 years and I decided to bring this book on my recent trip to Phuket. I knew that I couldn't  stay away for too long and decided to face the pain and the agony.

Taking time off to reflect on life :)

Starting again in Chapter 4 made me so nervous. It took quite a few moments to move my eyes beyond the title. But I forced through. Did tears start running down? Yes. Was it painful? Yes. Did I pull through the chapter? Yes. Did I feel liberated? Slightly.

I did celebrate the fact that I could move on in the book, but I knew that on my own I had not addressed the issue fully. There was still someone I needed to consult. His name starts with J and ends with ESUS....

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Last Sunday (right after the Phuket trip) I attended church and throughout the service words in the book swirled in my head (and made time feel like it was passing by really slowly).

The end of the service finally came and during the closing song, something changed. I changed. Standing there in church worshipping God and just embracing His Love, I knew.

I KNEW!

I KNEW and (finally) UNDERSTAND I truly was and am beautiful. I truly am a treasure. I finally saw what my friends see. I realised the depth of God's love for me. Yet...

...when that moment came, I cried. I cried because it took me so long. Soooooo long to get here. So much pain, so much time wasted.

But not any more...

Again, friends reminded me of their CONSTANT effort in letting me know how wrong I was from the beginning

And so I took the step of announcing to the world of my new perspective...

From the get go, I knew I had to make this moment public. I had to share. Why? Because I knew that if I went through this, there must be many others who is going through the same journey. Girls and Guys alike, even though in your life so far you've heard horrible words about yourself or have gone through traumatic incidents that made you question your value, know that there is hope.

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ power may rest on me."

2 Corinthians 12:9

And it is with this post, no matter how you feel about yourself, I want you all to know that, you are NOT ugly and you are NOT useless. It took me too many years to realise that. Please don't go down the beaten path the same way I did. Know for sure that you are:-

AMAZING,

BEAUTIFUL

&

CAPTIVATING.

Ciao.

p.s.: Thank you Lord Jesus, for making me realise how silly I was for not surrendering this fight to you earlier. Thank you Lord for all the amazing friends that you have provided for me along the way who has always believed in me. Thank you Lord for family who continues to love me unconditionally even though I didn't love myself. Thank you Lord, for dying on that Cross and showing me that I AM WORTH it even though I don't deserve it. Amen.