Butterfly Kisses

[ NOTE: This post was supposed to be published slightly after Father's Day (18 June 2013)... Updates were since added on ]

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It is a well known fact among those who know me that I love and miss my late Father very much. And it shouldn't come as a surprise why I'm writing a post for Father's Day (albeit it being a few days late).

The photo that inspired this post. Here's the facebook version

The photo above (right) was taken on my way to a school visit on the 11th of June. It reminded me of my archived photo on the left and how different the sky looked. Although both photos showed a different scenario, I realised that there is a constant in my life. God.

As I was driving along this stretch the radio station played the song Butterfly Kisses by Bob Carlisle. I've always loved this song and always tear up when it reaches this part:

"Gave me butterfly kisses, with her mama there,
Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair,
"Walk me down the aisle, Daddy-it's just about time."
"Does my wedding gown look pretty, Daddy? Daddy, don't cry"
Oh, with all that I've done wrong I must have done something right. 

To deserve her love every morning and butterfly kisses
I couldn't ask God for more, man this is what love is.
I know I gotta let her go, but I'll always remember
Every hug in the morning and butterfly kisses...

From previous post like this you'll understand why I tear up. However, listening to this song and thinking of Father's Day got me asking; "Will Daddy be proud of me of where I am today?"

At that point I stopped my thoughts and asked myself a much harder question:

"Will  I  be proud of where I am today?"

Asking that got me to really reflect on what I've done in the past 1 1/2 years living in KL, after moving away from my comfort zone of home, family and friends.

As I continued driving, I tried answering THE looming question over my head...

And after the long journey ended, I realised that I actually had an answer (yay!) and here's it is: -

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Ever since this post where I decided to let go of my biggest dream, I updated in another post how that was the best decision for me then. This sentiment stands true till today. Why?

#1: Dream of Travelling beyond the borders of Malaysia.

Because I took that bold step of letting go, many other dreams that I've forgotten begun to surface again and one by one came true. In January of this year, I went to New Zealand (pictures) a country I've dreamt of going for many many many years. In February, I had the chance to attend a Teach for All Synergies conference in New Delhi, India and see the b-e-a-utiful Taj Mahal upclose; and in March, I went on a fun, fun trip to Phuket, Thailand and just relaxed at the beach.

This photo ended up looking so nice. I'm happy. On top of Mt. Victoria, Auckland with such a stunning view.

Ah, the Taj Mahal. A symbol of love. Need I say more? :)

I'm not a professional photographer but with my little point-n-shoot camera, I love creating memories. :)

#2: Personal Goals

In the beginning of the year, my Head of Training made us list down our goals for the year. I never really took things like this seriously but this year I thought, why not? And so I did. And these were the goals I chose.

i) Join a dance/music class

Recently I've joined a Capoeira class which was introduced to me by my CEO and another TFM colleague. I didn't really fancy it at first but a few weeks back I won a lucky draw during a pot luck event and had no choice but to go. 

And after the first class, I was HOOKED. I loved it! It had music AND dance elements in it. Brilliant! 

Personal Goal #1: CHECKED!

Because I came back the next day to work talking about it, the next class a few other TFMers decided to join me. So fun! (Photos are Dzameer's)

Before Class: All pumped up!

After class: Defeated with blisters...

 ii) Visit rural schools in East Malaysia on my trips back (one Sarawak, one Sabah)

This one I knew going in was going to be a tough one. And even now, I don't think I'm able to do the Sabah trip due to time constraints at work. However, thanks to Jarod Yong (teacher extrodinaire) the Sarawak trip was a success!! Just 3 weeks ago I had the chance to achieve this goal and live the dream of teaching in a rural area.

Take a look at Jarod's write-up (pictures, my  response)on the amazing 4 days my team and I had at SMK Katibas. Terima Kasih, Cikgu!

So for 2013 to the best of my ability, I would have to say: 

Personal Goal #2: CHECKED! (Will still try work on Sabah rural school)

The moment where everything is centred and all feels right is when I'm doing what I love. Besides dancing and music, teaching is what I love; and this photo sums it all.

iii) Learn to love myself more

As tough as #2 was I knew choosing to go with #3 as a personal goal was tougher. So many of my insecurities that I grew up with I knew I have yet to face. And by choosing this, I knew I had to muster the courage to face them; to which I did, but gradually. 

A breakthrough happen in March when I finally realised that I AM beautiful despite all the horrible statements I've heard growing up and how I will never measure up.

Consciously thinking of how I can continue loving myself more, I decided to splurge on pampering myself a little. One of which was to dye my hair signalling a new beginning.

One of my favourite photos showing my newly dyed hair (of course because mom's in it too) :).

Another initiative I'm taking is to consciously eat healthy. This has been going on for the past 3 months and results are showing! One of my side goals folded in this goal was achieved last week! [Disclaimer: I'm not doing this to lose weight; rather, I'm doing this because I want to love my body and treat it as it deserves]

Side goal achieved! And YES. I'm telling the world! Have had this dress since last year and told myself that I will one day be able to wear it.

 Finally, 2 days ago I had another breakthrough but for this, I'm choosing to keep it silent for now till I'm ready to tell, but it's created so much freedom within me that I just want to stand on a mountain top and scream Hallelujah!

 Reflecting on all the above, I'd say  

Personal Goal #3: HALF-CHECKED. There is still half a year left for me to continue learning to love myself more! And I look forward to seeing how much more I'll grow from this journey :)

#3: Professional Goal

One of my Professional Goal states: "To Lead sessions (minimum 3) throughout the year (Sessions beyond Super Saturday) to push me"

This is my updated list:

• Fab Friday: Global Teaching Summit 2013 (India) - done for TFM staff [April]
• Fab Friday (Twin Edition): Diversity, Community and Achievement (DCA) - done for TFM staff [June]
• How to learn Biology the Fun Way - SMK Seri Setia (formerly known as SMK Bandar Kuching No.2) [June]
• The Teresian Legacy by Teach for Malaysia - SMK St Teresa [July]
• PMR Motivation Session: Multiple Intelligence - SMK Katibas [July]
• SPM Motivation Session: My Life So Far - SMK Katibas [July]

God has been amazing in opening so many doors for me to grow in this area. Looking at this list, I'm proud that I've achieved this goal but I know I shouldn't stop there. Making new sessions has always helped me improve and I plan to continue doing so.

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Regressing back to my thought in the car; "Will I be proud of where I am today?"

I smile, and I say: YES.

Just being able to say that to myself and now choosing to declare it publicly is another point in life I am proud of. My Personal Goal #3's list will keep growing and I'm honestly excited.

I realise now how much my insecurities have held me back so many times and this time I'm making my stand to say: ENOUGH.

I am proud of myself and will keep reminding myself through posts like this of who I am. As for Daddy, I can only imagine that my he will be proud of me just like how Bob Carlisle sings of how proud he is of his daughter.

So, here's to many more Butterfly Kisses moments in life. I'll end this post with the words I wrote to accompany the photo (top) that inspired this post:

June 17, 2013.
Here is a stretch of road that I usually take to visit my school in N.9. 

This time round, I remembered a photo I took on September 7th last year. The skies were blue and reminded me of God's promises in my life. 

This time round, the skies were a far cry from the clear blue sky that it was in my last photo. Rain threatened to fall and gloom hovered above my car. 

YET... 

This time round, I realise that it's been almost 1 1/2 years since I embarked on this journey and God is still faithful. That through clear skies and dark skies God has been my refuge. 

Thank you LORD for your faithfulness in my life. 

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." -Deuteronomy 31:8 -

Ciao.

p.s.: To those who are on the journey to discovering yourself, let's toast to life!

p.p.s.: Happy Father's Day, daddy. I miss you. :')


[ NOTE: Reason for the delay of this post was the need to get over my internal debate of whether it was worth it. I realised that I needed to because this story of triumph will help others who are going through the same journey. So here it is! God Bless!]