Ramblings of the heart...

Tomorrow marks the one month point of the bus ride to Sibu for #missionKatibas. I never expected my life to change so much but it did.

My priorities have changed and realigned. Love forgotten came back to life and now I don't know what I want or God wants for my future. As I continue searching and have been searching in the last month questions and uncertainties constantly float around in my head and I don't know how best to express it except through heartfelt tears crying out to God Almighty for guidance.

Right now, I want nothing more than to be in Sarawak. I want nothing more than to be with loved ones. I want nothing more than to serve back home. But the other question quickly rises up as well. "Is this what God wants for you?"

I honestly don't know.

But no matter what, I know God's timing is perfect. And I put my hope in you, O Lord.

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YESUS KAU BESAR

Dalam setiap langkahku    (Every step I take)

Dan hembusan nafasku    (and breath I take)

Kau ada di sini    (You are here)

Hatiku pun bersyukur atas kebaikan-Mu    (My heart praise your goodness)

Dan kemurahan-Mu    (and Your mercy)

Kuletakkan harapan    (I put my hope)

Hanya dalam nama-Mu    (only in your name)

Yesus Kau Besar    (Jesus you are mighty/big)

Kuasa-Mu ajaib    (You are powerful)

Janji-Mu setia, untuk selamanya   (You are forever faithful)

Yesus Kau Besar    (Jesus you are mighty/big)

Kasih-Mu nyata    (Your love is true)

Kau ditinggikan untuk selamanya    (You are lifted forevermore)

Selamanya    (Forevermore)

#missionKatibas : Nehemiah's Heart

It was a beautiful sight to behold. :) An amazing banner to welcome us which could be seen from afar (like really far....)!

Almost a month back I finally got to go on a trip that had been in talks for the longest time. When I met up with Jarod in December last year, he pitched how he wanted to work on bringing outsiders to visit his school and give his kids the exposure that they severely need (this is true for MANY schools in rural areas).

I knew I had to grab this opportunity before he gets a transfer out. One thing led to another and finally #missionKatibas happened! :)

[NOTE: For details of the trip and what happened, click on this link.]

"There will come a time in your life when you meet like-minded people who get you & share your ideals. When you meet people like these, the only natural thing to do is collaborate & see where it takes you. It usually leads to surprisingly amazing moments which touches the hearts of those who experience it first hand & even those who hear the stories. From there, the possibilities are infinite. This is merely the beginning of more great things to come."

                                                                                        - Jarod Yong, #missionKatibas -  

The words of Jarod are perfect in summarising how I (and I'm sure my whole team too) felt about the whole trip. There were AMAZING heart warming moments and even other people after hearing our stories are moved by it.

A church friend was moved by the testimony the pictures brought on Facebook :D

A Sarawakian TFM Fellow was inspired by the tweets and pictures of #missionKatibas :)

Taking on the task of this trip was not an easy one to begin with. From finding people to come with me to preparing for the sessions, took months to prepare for and needed pre-work from both sides of parties involved. Going into details would show the logistical nightmare but for this monumental life experience blogpost, I'm choosing instead to write from the perspective of lessons that I learned from it. :)  So, here goes!!

*******#missionKatibas********

Lesson #1 (Twitter) - forgive the typo... too excited

Let me clarify. I'm a planner (for most things in life). I like knowing details ahead of time so that mitigation steps or Plan Bs can be planned for as well. And for a trip as big as this, planning was VITAL. Initial plans saw me expecting 10 - 15 people. It was going to be big. But one by one people pulled out because they couldn't commit to the trip due to work demands or other things cropping up. Frustration was my friend throughout the planning stages, right till the week before the travels when one last member pulled out but PRAISE GOD, He had a replacement all along.

Logistics aside, finally the team that came with me were Trish and Sonia (from the beginning they said yes and stuck with me. I LOVE YOU girls!), Wai Leem (when I pitched the idea to him he jumped on it) and Esther (she was the last minute replacement and an answer to MANY prayers!)

The Final #missionKatibas team : (L-R) Trish, Sonia, Wai Leem, Esther - such a good looking team =)

Another part to where this lesson was learnt was during the execution of the sessions. 3 sessions altogether and one youth service in 2 days was no joke. Planning was fine and most of the prep was done. Yet with ALL that planning, many things were changed or added. I've never had to do so much impromptu stuff for sessions before. But God proved me again and again how if we just learn to rely on Him, learn to lean on Him and learn to just TRUST Him; He's got things covered. And for that, I AM GRATEFUL. (It helped too that my team was AMAZING and quick on their feet) :)

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Lesson #2 (Twitter)

The average age of the #missionKatibas team is about 24 years. That's young!! And to think we could have potentially made a difference in the lives of 400+ kids is very humbling. Its such an encouragement to see my team mates stepping up to the challenges in running the sessions. Here are some breakdowns.

1) Esther (baby of the group):- shared her testimony in BM and helped lead groups in big sessions.
2) Wai Leem (the other baby of the group):- shared his testimony TWICE, help lead groups in big sessions and led Praise and Worship for youth service, played guitar for me TWICE (testimony and presentation)
3) Sonia:- Did the main sharing for the kids during youth service, led groups in big sessions, took amazing photos and edited the graduation photos
4) Trish:- Led the games for youth service, led groups in big sessions, took many many amazing photos, and edited the graduation photos

The view from stage of the youth service on Wednesday night. :) [Look at al those beautiful faces of God's Children]

What we did at SMK Katibas was small, but with God small does not matter. Matthew 17:20 teaches us that "....if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." And for whatever little that we give, we have faith that a seed has been planted and will one day blossom beautifully. :)

"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity".
                                                                                                              -1 Timothy 4:12-

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Lesson #3 (Twitter)

There are 5 people whom I pay tribute to in this tweet.

1. SONIA: Being much junior from me in church and growing up, I have to admit I never was very close to her till she started helping out in the youth. Through those years, as I was given the privilege of leading youth, I saw her grow not just in maturity but also into a friend and a strong confidant. :) Very much unexpected indeed was this friendship, but one that is very much treasured.
2. TRISH: Just recently both of us tried to pin point a time when we started getting close and we both drew a blank. Hahaha!! I first met Trish when we both volunteered on Doulos (sister ship of Logos Hope) for 2 weeks but beyond that as to how the relationship develop? No IDEA... :) But one thing is for sure, I'd rather not know how this friendship grew than to not have Trish as such a wonderful thought partner in our daily devotions. Thank you Trish.
3. WAI LEEM: This one is an interesting one. :D I'm actually friends first with his eldest brother who is my batch. And Wai Leem is pretty much a whole generation younger than me so to be able to have seen him when he was a kid and now serving alongside me is a pleasant surprise that I am proud to be witness of.
4. ESTHER: Among all 5 mentioned here, Esther's friendship would be the least unexpected. Having seen her grow up from Secretary to President of Youth and teaching her in school (Bio and Bible Knowledge); having her here on the trip makes it a beautiful transition from teenager to adulthood and I'm glad I'm part of it.
5. JAROD: Now, this friendship is the most random of them all. :) I found Jarod's blog while surfing teacher blogs and from there followed his twitter account. I probably would have never found it if not for a Fellow sharing another teacher's blogpost on our facebook group. So for what its worth, TFM is the reason this friendship and #missionKatibas could even happen. Jarod, although I've just only known you for a year, I thank God that our lives crossed paths and thank you for all that you've done that has inspired me and many others.

And finally, two worlds meet. :D

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Lesson #5 (Twitter)

Ever since I studied my PGDE (Post Graduate Diploma of Education), I've always wanted to teach in the interior. I knew from little snippets and experience in my dad's village that I would have enjoyed life teaching in rural Sarawak. But things were not meant to be as my dad's conditioned worsened and my posting form was filled with appeals to be near home.

I got what I wanted and was blessed to have spent the last 4 months of my dad's life being near him. Even if it meant giving up on that dream; it was worth it.

But God remembers. :') He remembers my desires and answered my prayers and dream in the most unexpected way. I am BLESSED.

"Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart." -Psalm 37:4-

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Lesson #4 (Twitter)

There is purpose in me putting this Lesson last. This is because it is the strongest lesson from my trip. It didn't hit me till a few days later while having conversations with a friend in my car on the way to a school visit. I was telling her how lately, every time I come home to Kuching, I find it so much harder to leave and depart back to Work-land (KL). That the only thing that makes me walk onto the plane is my job and my love for the people in TFM.

Honestly, its really lonely here where life just pasts you by and you sit in your home reading of all the amazing/fun/lively things your friends are doing back home. Building strong friendships here is difficult too because everyone is so caught up in the rat race to be the richest/fastest/smartest person. Rarely do I find people who will stop for a while, look around and make the best of that moment.

I continued the conversation mentioning how when I first got the TFM job, I couldn't wait to get out of Kuching and now I'm at the point where I just want to go home.

And then she ask me the question that I needed to hear:

"So do you know now, WHY you left?"

I paused.

I realised that I DO KNOW that answer.

I started tearing up and said: "YES... I do... I left because I needed to find out if I loved Sarawak."

And now 1 1/2 years later, I know I do. I TRULY do. And everyday I long for home. Everyday, I long for the people at home. Everyday, I long for a better Sarawak.

Which is why I titled my post as such. This trip has reminded me of Nehemiah and how he longs for his homeland Jerusalem. It reminded me of Nehemiah's heart. Although not mentioned explicitly, the actions that he took in Chapter 1 are obvious.

Hanani, one of my brothers, came from Judah with some other men, and I questioned them about the Jewish remnant that had survived the exile, and also about Jerusalem. They said to me, "Those who survived the exile and are back in the province are in great trouble and disgrace. The wall of Jerusalem is broken down, and its gates have been burned with fire." When I heard this things, I sat down and wept.   - Nehemiah 1:2-4 -

And just as Nehemiah was passionate about Jerusalem, I too feel the same way about Sarawak. There is so much potential back home and growth needed and I want to be a part of it. Having this chance to teach the kids in SMK Katibas reminded me of why I taught in the first place and just as I suspected, would make me regret my decision to leave the teaching force.

View of the school from the Katibas river.

At the end of the trip, I left the school jetty, looking towards the school with tear-filled eyes, beating myself inside on this GRAND (and grave) mistake that I made.

However, conversations with Wai Leem later helped me realise that even though it may seem like a mistake, as a teacher in the public school I probably would never have had the chance to visit these kids and THAT is NO MISTAKE on God's part.

Which again, reminds me of Lesson #1: God knows the plans he has for us. :)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future..."    -Jeremiah 29:11-

God knew from the very beginning. He knew and he heard. :')

*******#missionKatibas*******

So I leave this post thinking again of all that happened during those Amazing three days in PARADISE.

I leave this post being reminded of God's faithfulness in my life (and many others);

and I leave this post knowing that I've fallen in love once again, with my Sarawak.

There are no better words then the yellow words and the smiles on our faces to sum it all. :')

Ciao.

p.s.: To my #missionKatibas team and those who are moved by the stories, here's to many more amazing visits!

p.p.s.: To the Project X+ team, keep up the amazing work you are doing among the kids. Let's all work together to make SMK Katibas an exemplary school!

Butterfly Kisses

[ NOTE: This post was supposed to be published slightly after Father's Day (18 June 2013)... Updates were since added on ]

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It is a well known fact among those who know me that I love and miss my late Father very much. And it shouldn't come as a surprise why I'm writing a post for Father's Day (albeit it being a few days late).

The photo that inspired this post. Here's the facebook version

The photo above (right) was taken on my way to a school visit on the 11th of June. It reminded me of my archived photo on the left and how different the sky looked. Although both photos showed a different scenario, I realised that there is a constant in my life. God.

As I was driving along this stretch the radio station played the song Butterfly Kisses by Bob Carlisle. I've always loved this song and always tear up when it reaches this part:

"Gave me butterfly kisses, with her mama there,
Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair,
"Walk me down the aisle, Daddy-it's just about time."
"Does my wedding gown look pretty, Daddy? Daddy, don't cry"
Oh, with all that I've done wrong I must have done something right. 

To deserve her love every morning and butterfly kisses
I couldn't ask God for more, man this is what love is.
I know I gotta let her go, but I'll always remember
Every hug in the morning and butterfly kisses...

From previous post like this you'll understand why I tear up. However, listening to this song and thinking of Father's Day got me asking; "Will Daddy be proud of me of where I am today?"

At that point I stopped my thoughts and asked myself a much harder question:

"Will  I  be proud of where I am today?"

Asking that got me to really reflect on what I've done in the past 1 1/2 years living in KL, after moving away from my comfort zone of home, family and friends.

As I continued driving, I tried answering THE looming question over my head...

And after the long journey ended, I realised that I actually had an answer (yay!) and here's it is: -

***************

Ever since this post where I decided to let go of my biggest dream, I updated in another post how that was the best decision for me then. This sentiment stands true till today. Why?

#1: Dream of Travelling beyond the borders of Malaysia.

Because I took that bold step of letting go, many other dreams that I've forgotten begun to surface again and one by one came true. In January of this year, I went to New Zealand (pictures) a country I've dreamt of going for many many many years. In February, I had the chance to attend a Teach for All Synergies conference in New Delhi, India and see the b-e-a-utiful Taj Mahal upclose; and in March, I went on a fun, fun trip to Phuket, Thailand and just relaxed at the beach.

This photo ended up looking so nice. I'm happy. On top of Mt. Victoria, Auckland with such a stunning view.

Ah, the Taj Mahal. A symbol of love. Need I say more? :)

I'm not a professional photographer but with my little point-n-shoot camera, I love creating memories. :)

#2: Personal Goals

In the beginning of the year, my Head of Training made us list down our goals for the year. I never really took things like this seriously but this year I thought, why not? And so I did. And these were the goals I chose.

i) Join a dance/music class

Recently I've joined a Capoeira class which was introduced to me by my CEO and another TFM colleague. I didn't really fancy it at first but a few weeks back I won a lucky draw during a pot luck event and had no choice but to go. 

And after the first class, I was HOOKED. I loved it! It had music AND dance elements in it. Brilliant! 

Personal Goal #1: CHECKED!

Because I came back the next day to work talking about it, the next class a few other TFMers decided to join me. So fun! (Photos are Dzameer's)

Before Class: All pumped up!

After class: Defeated with blisters...

 ii) Visit rural schools in East Malaysia on my trips back (one Sarawak, one Sabah)

This one I knew going in was going to be a tough one. And even now, I don't think I'm able to do the Sabah trip due to time constraints at work. However, thanks to Jarod Yong (teacher extrodinaire) the Sarawak trip was a success!! Just 3 weeks ago I had the chance to achieve this goal and live the dream of teaching in a rural area.

Take a look at Jarod's write-up (pictures, my  response)on the amazing 4 days my team and I had at SMK Katibas. Terima Kasih, Cikgu!

So for 2013 to the best of my ability, I would have to say: 

Personal Goal #2: CHECKED! (Will still try work on Sabah rural school)

The moment where everything is centred and all feels right is when I'm doing what I love. Besides dancing and music, teaching is what I love; and this photo sums it all.

iii) Learn to love myself more

As tough as #2 was I knew choosing to go with #3 as a personal goal was tougher. So many of my insecurities that I grew up with I knew I have yet to face. And by choosing this, I knew I had to muster the courage to face them; to which I did, but gradually. 

A breakthrough happen in March when I finally realised that I AM beautiful despite all the horrible statements I've heard growing up and how I will never measure up.

Consciously thinking of how I can continue loving myself more, I decided to splurge on pampering myself a little. One of which was to dye my hair signalling a new beginning.

One of my favourite photos showing my newly dyed hair (of course because mom's in it too) :).

Another initiative I'm taking is to consciously eat healthy. This has been going on for the past 3 months and results are showing! One of my side goals folded in this goal was achieved last week! [Disclaimer: I'm not doing this to lose weight; rather, I'm doing this because I want to love my body and treat it as it deserves]

Side goal achieved! And YES. I'm telling the world! Have had this dress since last year and told myself that I will one day be able to wear it.

 Finally, 2 days ago I had another breakthrough but for this, I'm choosing to keep it silent for now till I'm ready to tell, but it's created so much freedom within me that I just want to stand on a mountain top and scream Hallelujah!

 Reflecting on all the above, I'd say  

Personal Goal #3: HALF-CHECKED. There is still half a year left for me to continue learning to love myself more! And I look forward to seeing how much more I'll grow from this journey :)

#3: Professional Goal

One of my Professional Goal states: "To Lead sessions (minimum 3) throughout the year (Sessions beyond Super Saturday) to push me"

This is my updated list:

• Fab Friday: Global Teaching Summit 2013 (India) - done for TFM staff [April]
• Fab Friday (Twin Edition): Diversity, Community and Achievement (DCA) - done for TFM staff [June]
• How to learn Biology the Fun Way - SMK Seri Setia (formerly known as SMK Bandar Kuching No.2) [June]
• The Teresian Legacy by Teach for Malaysia - SMK St Teresa [July]
• PMR Motivation Session: Multiple Intelligence - SMK Katibas [July]
• SPM Motivation Session: My Life So Far - SMK Katibas [July]

God has been amazing in opening so many doors for me to grow in this area. Looking at this list, I'm proud that I've achieved this goal but I know I shouldn't stop there. Making new sessions has always helped me improve and I plan to continue doing so.

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Regressing back to my thought in the car; "Will I be proud of where I am today?"

I smile, and I say: YES.

Just being able to say that to myself and now choosing to declare it publicly is another point in life I am proud of. My Personal Goal #3's list will keep growing and I'm honestly excited.

I realise now how much my insecurities have held me back so many times and this time I'm making my stand to say: ENOUGH.

I am proud of myself and will keep reminding myself through posts like this of who I am. As for Daddy, I can only imagine that my he will be proud of me just like how Bob Carlisle sings of how proud he is of his daughter.

So, here's to many more Butterfly Kisses moments in life. I'll end this post with the words I wrote to accompany the photo (top) that inspired this post:

June 17, 2013.
Here is a stretch of road that I usually take to visit my school in N.9. 

This time round, I remembered a photo I took on September 7th last year. The skies were blue and reminded me of God's promises in my life. 

This time round, the skies were a far cry from the clear blue sky that it was in my last photo. Rain threatened to fall and gloom hovered above my car. 

YET... 

This time round, I realise that it's been almost 1 1/2 years since I embarked on this journey and God is still faithful. That through clear skies and dark skies God has been my refuge. 

Thank you LORD for your faithfulness in my life. 

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." -Deuteronomy 31:8 -

Ciao.

p.s.: To those who are on the journey to discovering yourself, let's toast to life!

p.p.s.: Happy Father's Day, daddy. I miss you. :')


[ NOTE: Reason for the delay of this post was the need to get over my internal debate of whether it was worth it. I realised that I needed to because this story of triumph will help others who are going through the same journey. So here it is! God Bless!]

Kar'na SalibMu (Because of Your Cross)

VERSE 1:

Hanya Kau Tuhan di hidupku,    (Only you Lord in my life)

Kau berikan hidup yang baru,    (You give new life)

Darah-Mu menyucikan pulihkan hatiku,    (Your blood cleanses and heal my heart)

Kunyatakan Kaulah s'galanya    (I declare that You are everything) 

VERSE 2:

Engkaulah sumber pengharapan,   (You are the source of hope)

Kuasa-Mu sanggup menyembuhkan    (Your power gives healing)

Jiwaku pun berserah hanya kepada-Mu,    (My soul is given to you O Lord)

Yesus Kaulah segalanya    (Jesus, You are everything) 

CHORUS:

Kar'na salib-Mu ku hidup,    (Because of Your Cross, I live)

Kar'na salib-Mu ku menang,    (Because of Your Cross, I win)

Engkau yang berkuasa,    (You are the Almighty)

Sanggup 'tuk melakukan mujizat-Mu,    (Making/Giving Your miracles)

Di hidupku.    (In my life)

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When I first heard this song I remember playing it over and over again. Ever since then, I have somewhat forgotten about it till a tweet from the Main Singer, Sidney Mohede came on my tweet feed. :)

So here I am back again in that phase listening to this song and being reminded of God's Unconditional Love for me. That although born a sinner, still chosen to be His daughter. Thank you Lord for your Grace, Mercy and Faithfulness in my life.

Ciao.

p.s.: To those who find this song encouraging. I hear you. :)