"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable then they?"
Matthew 6:26
Many times in my life I've heard this verse, read it and shared it. Yet every time I read this verse I ask myself. Am I truly that valuable? What kind of value do I have? Do I deserve to be called valuable?
So, Why this post? It all starts with this book:
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| For my 26th Birthday, I received this book from 2 precious friends... What I never expected though was the journey that this book took me through over the next 2 1/2 years... |
Although the book may have stirred up some controversy, I took the essence of it and realise that I was broken. That I was beaten down. That I allowed myself to think I was never good enough and never measured up.
Yes, I was WRONG. I know that now.
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Growing up, I somehow had this seed planted (I don't know the origin of this belief or why I feel that way) that the one thing I lack in life is beauty. I felt that because I lack it, no one will ever like me truly and many people are friends with me out of pity (hence the questions on values).
I have always found it so easy to see other people as such beautiful creations of God. Yet, when it came to myself I always thought that God somehow missed out. That he somehow forgot the ISO quality check on me or that I somehow slipped through. I look at my handsome father and I look at my gorgeous mother and then I question "what happened to me?!". My brother fits the bill of good looks and I'm just a sad excuse of a life.
To make matters worse, I was called a pig before (to be exact; Primary 6). And after sometime with all this within me, I accepted such words as good descriptions of me. I felt that I deserved it because I don't look like my pretty friends. I'm not typically "small"(Big arms, big thighs, big butt, big face, etc...), I have a flat nose (where everyone talks about having "hidung" mancung), I am relatively loud when I laugh (have been told many times that I'm unladylike when I laugh loudly - yet people always say, we should laugh sincerely and heartily) and I have always (literally.. from birth) been on the heavy side (looking for clothes/hearing people talk about their weight when they are WAAAY lighter than me always make me hate myself even more)
Don't get me wrong. I lived a very blessed life. I was (and still am) surrounded by those who love me.
People have CONSISTENTLY told me that I am beautiful, That I am awesome. That they wished I could see what they saw. And every time that happens, I would smile and say thank you yet deep inside I always wondered, were those just words of kindness? Were those words said just to make me happy? Surely, someone as horrible as me could never deserve such praise.
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| Encouraging words said many times but could never fully appreciate them... |
So what was the best solution in my mind when I felt undeserving of such praise?
I worked harder.
I worked to perfect me as a person without realising the little successes that I had. And because I didn't celebrate my achievements, I craved for acknowledgement. I made a mental note in my head that because I can never measure up in physical terms for what it means to be "beautiful", I will measure up in terms of life's achievements.
"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ power may rest on me."
2 Corinthians 12:9
"So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them."
Genesis 1:27
I know that by stating all this, has proven me to be a hypocrite. I say that I believe in Christ Jesus and in my weakness his power is made perfect. Yet, here I was trying to perfect myself, fighting this ugly battle within myself all on my own. I professed I believe in Christ Jesus and yet here I was cursing myself with such horrible words and thoughts when I was created in the image of God...
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Back to the book.
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| Thank you Jacob and Jaime for such a lovely book that challenged me in so many ways. (Even though the date is wrong.. I forgive you.. :P ) |
I started reading this book (Captivating) in 2010. The first 3 chapters were really good and kept me glued to it. I learnt many things and looked forward to finishing the book fast. Then Chapter 4 came along.
"Chapter 4: WOUNDED"
In this chapter, I was challenged to acknowledge my wounds. To look at my past and come to terms with it. To allow myself to feel the pain and grief that I had gone through all my years.
I read through the first few pages and my eyes were swollen from the tears that kept coming down. I couldn't put myself through it. It was too painful. I got scared and put the book down. And for many months, I refused to pick it up. Every time I saw the cover I cringed and remember the pain, the bitterness against myself and how ugly I truly believe I was.
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| Taking time off to reflect on life :) |
Starting again in Chapter 4 made me so nervous. It took quite a few moments to move my eyes beyond the title. But I forced through. Did tears start running down? Yes. Was it painful? Yes. Did I pull through the chapter? Yes. Did I feel liberated? Slightly.
I did celebrate the fact that I could move on in the book, but I knew that on my own I had not addressed the issue fully. There was still someone I needed to consult. His name starts with J and ends with ESUS....
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Last Sunday (right after the Phuket trip) I attended church and throughout the service words in the book swirled in my head (and made time feel like it was passing by really slowly).
The end of the service finally came and during the closing song, something changed. I changed. Standing there in church worshipping God and just embracing His Love, I knew.
I KNEW!
I KNEW and (finally) UNDERSTAND I truly was and am beautiful. I truly am a treasure. I finally saw what my friends see. I realised the depth of God's love for me. Yet...
...when that moment came, I cried. I cried because it took me so long. Soooooo long to get here. So much pain, so much time wasted.
But not any more...
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| Again, friends reminded me of their CONSTANT effort in letting me know how wrong I was from the beginning |
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| And so I took the step of announcing to the world of my new perspective... |
From the get go, I knew I had to make this moment public. I had to share. Why? Because I knew that if I went through this, there must be many others who is going through the same journey. Girls and Guys alike, even though in your life so far you've heard horrible words about yourself or have gone through traumatic incidents that made you question your value, know that there is hope.
"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ power may rest on me."
2 Corinthians 12:9
And it is with this post, no matter how you feel about yourself, I want you all to know that, you are NOT ugly and you are NOT useless. It took me too many years to realise that. Please don't go down the beaten path the same way I did. Know for sure that you are:-
AMAZING,
BEAUTIFUL
&
CAPTIVATING.
Ciao.
p.s.: Thank you Lord Jesus, for making me realise how silly I was for not surrendering this fight to you earlier. Thank you Lord for all the amazing friends that you have provided for me along the way who has always believed in me. Thank you Lord for family who continues to love me unconditionally even though I didn't love myself. Thank you Lord, for dying on that Cross and showing me that I AM WORTH it even though I don't deserve it. Amen.
