Friday, January 23, 2015

Waiting (Part 1) : Still here...

It's wedding season again. Friends, cousins, church members, acquaintances are getting married left, right, front, centre and back. What is different about this round of matrimonial ceremonies is that most of them are couples much younger than me.

I would be lying if I said this didn't affect me at all. Past insecurities do surface in the most random of moments. Be it surrounded by a sea of people, or moments when I lay in bed drowned in my thoughts. Loneliness creeps in, and the heart sinks a little further into the abyss of darkness.

In that random moment, I wonder to myself, did I miss the boat? Am I now left standing alone at the pier of singlehood, having only my wishes, dreams and memories to accompany me? (Disclaimer : To all who know of my struggles, fret not, I am definitely at a much better place now than before. I do however, recognise that for me to overcome this fully, it takes time).

Today wasn't any different. Those random moments came again and they pierced the deepest part of my soul. So deep that I can do nothing but wait for it pass. I try my best to distract myself, but I know it's there. That nudging, horrible feeling of emptiness.

Yet, in such dark moments, God's grace and love never cease to amaze me. Just as was shared on facebook recently about God's perfect timing, today I was on the receiving end of this perfection. :)

Post shared on facebook

Words of comfort came through an unexpected friend on facebook when he posted this :
"There are some things that God holds back from us because it is not yet time and we learn to wait on Him and be patient in the process. There are some things He hides from us so that our desire and faith for it will (not) be what will pull it into reality before its time. If we don't know which is which, we can end up fighting the wrong fight, or enduring long suffering and waiting where there was no need for it. A friend of the bridegroom is one who knows the voice of His heart."

So true. So wise. So needed to be heard.

But the reminders didn't stop there. :) Through a colleague, this song came up :) (Which happens to be one of my favourite songs)

Love Is Waiting (Brooke Fraser)

In the autumn on the ground,
between the traffic and the ordinary sounds
I am thinking signs and seasons while a north wind blows through

I watch as lovers pass me by
Walking stories - whos and hows and whys
Pondering you
I'll give it time, give it space and be still for a spell
When it's time to walk that way we wanna walk it well

I'll be waiting for you baby
I'll be holding back the darkest night
Love is waiting til' we're ready, til' it's right
Love is waiting

It's my caution not the cold
There's no other hand that I would rather hold
The climate changes, I'm signing for the strangers about you
Don't keep time, slow the pace
Honey hold on if you can
The bets are getting surer now that you're my man


I could write a million songs about the way you say my name
I could live a lifetime with you and then do it all again
and like I can't force the sun to rise or hasten summer's start,
Neither should I rush my way into your heart.


I am still amazed at how both reminders spoke to me today from 2 people who don't know each other (I think). And as I write this post, I am playing this song on loop; to remind me that waiting is the posture that I need to be in now. That I will keep trusting in the Lord for He is my portion. :)

I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion;
     therefore I will wait for him."
The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,
     to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly
     for the salvation of the Lord.
(Lamentations 3 : 24 - 26 (NIV)) 

And as I end the day with these thoughts penned down, the waiting continues.

I am still here, waiting.

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